Archive for February, 2010

I’m not a big craigslist user.  In fact, the only time I think I’ve ever used it was to look for apartments when I graduated from college.  But there are some crazy-ass people on craigslist, looking for, selling, or offering some ridiculous ish.  As Cleo would say, these people are “triflin.”  Let’s say you, like me post-college, are looking for an apartment:

Ridic.  Need a computer but don’t have any money?  Just barter:

HAHAH.  If I got a “bag of ranch corn nuts” in exchange for a Macbook, I’d do it every time.  Are you a woman?  Did MJ’s death get you down?  Well he’s got something for you:

Women please help this man out.  Are you a professional clown looking for work?  They have a job for you:

So you’re not a clown but still a drunk?  Do you need to learn how to fight while drunk?  Here’s the place to go:

And finally, are you selling instruments?  She needs one:

Damn, some women just need to hit up urban dictionary once in a while.  Triflin’ a$$ people.

-Hotdogs

RAL 2/25/10

Posted: February 25, 2010 by Logic in Random Acts of Logicalness
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Some would tell you that Black History Month ends Sunday. Those who know better, will tell you it ends March 3rd. We debo’d the first 3 days of March.  Say something. SAY SOMETHING. Today’s RAL:

  • There’s a big storm finna hit the Midwest. I’m not OK with that.
  • I know I went off on Weightlifter guy the other day, but I left a few guys off. There is steal your equipment guy and wifebeater in the gym guy. Nuff said
  • What in the world is Nikki Minaj doing when she raps? The way she changes her voice to sound like Oscar the Grouch is not cool, in any way. I’d DIIHD, but I don’t condone how she sounds. What sucks though, is I HAVE  to listen when she comes on a track. It’s like a car crash you can’t look away from, I just have to listen.
  • Unnecessary headaches are THE WORST. I’m currently suffering from one. At least when you get a headache post heavy drinking that’s just the Balance of the Passion and you can live with that. But this? This is just a cruel shot to the testicles with a pair of nunchucks, thanks Passion.
  • We all use “…” at the end of a sentence every now and then. I can’t pin point exactly what it means but we all know exactly what it means. We also all know that the second you add a 4th “.” your just saying F you, and the more “.” you add the bigger the F you becomes. I received an email at work the other day from someone. I asked them to send me something. She sent an email with the attachment, and the email read “Here you go……….”. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE. I kid you not, that’s the exact text. She hit me with 10 dots.  That’s more than a F you, that’s an F you douche bag. I should have replied “Thanks……………”, which would have been me saying “Well, your just a huge twat now aren’t you”. Unfortunately, I didn’t. It would have been an obvious case of when keeping it real goes wrong. Speaking of which…
  • ALL BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LOOK ALIKE. I am sick and tired of getting called by the wrong name, getting calls sent to me that aren’t for me, and getting asked about a car that isn’t mine BY MY CO WORKERS. People I see daily and have since July should know who I am. There are two black people in my office, one of which works for another company…AND YOU CAN’T DIFFERENTIATE US????? Lets go, I know all of you but you don’t know me? That’s just plain hurtful to be honest. Luckily I chose again to not let it get the best of me, we in a recession and I ain’t trying to job hunt.
  • On that same note, my name is not difficult to spell. It’s a generic name for the most part but the spelling is a little bit out of the ordinary, but when you see it one time you shouldn’t get the spelling wrong anymore.  So why, do people I send emails to on a regular basis, continue to spell my name wrong? Hell, MY NAME IS IN THE EMAIL ADDRESS AND IN MY SIGNATURE. For those of you named “Jeff”, “Mike”, “Bill”, and simple names like that probably don’t see why I’m upset. But trust me, there aren’t many things more infuriating than getting your named spelled wrong.
  • Dear Lost Writers, I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt for 5 seasons and 5 episodes. So far, I’m skeptical at best for what you’ve done with season 6. This dual timeline shit is YH and if it doesn’t become relevant soon I will be forced to hunt you down and have a horse anally rape you. Regards, Logic….

Well I’m out, lets hope this weather improves. We all know it won’t though. Passion.

Logic aka I built it up from nothing you would swear I’m playing tetris

I’ve been in Europe basically the past 2 weeks so I haven’t been able to step my ATI game up.  However, I came back to the US, had some Popeye’s immediately upon leaving the airport, and started reading my emails from the last 2 weeks.  I stumbled across this gem from none other than Cleotus Jenkins describing his previous night to the rest of the ATI crew.  Let me start out by saying Cleo is the most fictional person I know.  He literally doesn’t exist. He should be in Imaginationland from South Park with all these characters:

So here’s the email in it’s entirety (photos have been added for hilarity):

Last night was a blueprint for how to get casually aggressive. I showed up at a CCA bar for a few casuals (love how that’s a noun) with 3 peeps. It started out tame with me drinking a couple of Cherry Wheat Sam Adams (absurd). Then I moved on to my new drink, Jack n soda aka the slip n slide (nonsense). I then inquired about Pomegranate Michelob Ultras (what?). The female bartender laughed at me. I then called her a hepha and ordered a Stella instead (sidenote: the word hepha does not translate in pancake city). She gave me the Stella and asked if I wanted a pomegranate vodka shot to go with it. Well she didn’t know I was from the 9th ward where we gladly accept free ish. I happily told her “yes” I would love a pomegranate vodka shot for free. Ahhhh she wasn’t ready for a jigga from that 504.

She had to go in the back and get a new bottle for ya boy. She got a shot glass out and I went “oh no sugar. Pour that ish right in the beer. Its all going in the same place.”. Well as I was walking out, who do I run into……TREACHERY. By the way, I got a disaster growing on my head, but Treachery looks like a civil rights leader from the 60s.

He was with his CCA co workers. He also had a pick in his hair. After we exchanged pleasantries, he promptly ordered three shots of rumple mint. No clue what kind of liquor it is but its 100 proof. I noticed that Treachery was there with about 20 dudes and one chick. Now from where I was standing, she was tight but that might be due to the fact that the chick was surrounded by jackals. What I said to her is a blur. Please apologize to her regardless.  I ended up meeting up with King Grime at Houston’s and that too is a blur. Grime could you also send my apologies to your co workers and clients? Grime, the Greek and I went to a bar in Southie later on where I tried to make whoopie with a married chick. I thought the shots of Crown sealed the deal.

If this email makes no sense, sue me.

I didn’t even know what to say.  I was appalled but at the same time proud of the uggin for bringing tears of laughter to me in the car (NHND).  Stay tuned, we’re gonna have to keep y’all posted for more Escapades with Cleo.

-Hotdogs Anderson

Area Code of the Week: Danica Patrick

Posted: February 24, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Area Codes, Generic Banter
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We at ATI have been slacking on that ACOTW. On behalf of the crew, many apologies.

Now that we got that out the way, let’s get down to bidness.

There is a chick that a certain sport really wants us to fall in love with. I’m getting sick n tired of hearing about this trick. I’m talking about mothaf&ckin Danica Patrick.

NASCAR and ESPN really is doing everything they can to keep DP relevant. It’s unbeweavable. What’s killing me is that she ain’t even good at her day job. I have never watched a NASCAR race but I know who handles up on the track:

1. Jeff Gor-don

2. Jimmie Johnson

I think I saw on Sportcenter that DP came in butt naked last in a race a couple of weeks ago.

I  digress. Let’s get to point of why we are here. I want to know why this hepha is so hyped. Well let’s figure out her Area Code:

1. Face

Aiight Aiight. She got a cute thang going on. But that’s it. Keep in mind that this is the best head shot that I was able to find. She definitely look like a fresh snow bunny next door. This to me is above average so I’m going with a 6.

2. Would I drop it in them drawls (binary scale):

YES! I would dig all in them guts. Is the pope cafolic? Is this trifling:

3. Heat in the trousers:

Now this is where I’m afraid DP will come up short of that elusive 617 aka Beantown Special. I have never seen an ass shot from her. Think about it folks. All of the hall of famers have had banging ass pose shots. I’m talking the Kimmy K’s, the Vitas, the J Lo’s etc. We always got at least one ass shot. Well i found one of DP and that ish is lacking on the fa realz:

Don’t let the like waist bend fool yall. That ass is flat. Maybe she really should move to Boston with a pancake booty like that. Where’s my syrup?

There you go. Danica is getting a 615 from Cleo. That’s Nashville peeps. I have a two-part theory as to why everyone is all over her.

1. She competes against middle-aged men in her sport

2. I guess she is tight when compared to other female athletes:

Simply awful. That chick is a 314. And don’t worry, we can throw Lindsey Vonn in with Danica. She ain’t that tight either. She just less ugly than her opponents.

What do ya’ll think:

-Cleo

P-Droppa Friday

Posted: February 19, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Musical Knowledge, P-Droppa Friday
Tags: ,

Tiger Wood but I won’t. Eat that p****y, cuz i don’t.

Yo ATI world. It’s time for that get ya swerve on joint. “Nights Like This” from the Five Heartbeats soundtrack. If you haven’t seen that movie, do yourself a favor and rent it. Some classic acting.

How the hell is Black History Month almost over!

-Stroka

WE TAKING OVER!

Posted: February 19, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Generic Banter, Sports
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ONE SPORT AT A TIME!

That’s right. Another brother (or sister) has taken over another sport. Now we got Shani Davis dominating speed skating.

I guess I should be ecstatic but I’m really not. Personally, I want to smack Lil Shani. He is disproving everything I say when people ask me if I want to go skiing, snowboarding or ice skating. Yall know the right answer – “Black people don’t …..”. So Shani, if you end up with an injury of some kind from skating, don’t look to us for sympathy. Yo black ass shouldn’t have been skating on frozen water in the first place. Let’s go, you’re from the Chi. You should be two steppin’.

-CLEEZ

RAL: 2/18/10

Posted: February 18, 2010 by Logic in Random Acts of Logicalness
Tags: ,

 Valentines Day is the worst. Yes I had a valentine(gotta NH that. Just using that word is somewhat questionable). Yes I had a good day. BUT, that doesn’t mean my distain for this day is gone. That’s out of the way, so now onto RAL. Today’s RAL is about one guy(nh). A guy(nh) that I’ve been wanting to post about for a while, but was just too lazy. Well this guy ruined my post work day yesterday(the in work day is already ruined by being at work)and I’m not happy. This guy I speak of, is Gym Guy. Gym guy comes in all shapes, sizes, and forms. Some forms worse than others, but all annoying in their own right. If you meet any of the following criteria, know that Logic hates you and would prefer you move to a third world country.

  • Dear I wear my hat in the weightroom guy, there is no need for you to wear your hat in the weightroom.
  • Darkne$$ previously hit on this guy, but steroid guy needs to go away. No one likes you. No one thinks you’re awesome because you have artificial biceps. We all think your annoying and take weightlifting way to serious. We would prefer it if you all had to undergo sex changes due to steroid overdoses
  • The complete opposite of Steroid guy, is amateur weightlifter guy. If you cant warm up with 45’s on the bench, you should not be on the bench. Which leads me to my next guy,
  • Uses the machine I want to use guy. You may be my most hated. I have a gym in my building I use, its not very big but I’ve got enough things to get an appropriate swoll. However, there’s pretty much only one of everything, so if someone is using something your assed out. Well yesterday, dude was using the cables…FOR 45 MINUTES. Really dude? Really? Not only was he using the cables  but he also had a dose of the guy listed below. Thanks jerk, you ruined my lift. Choke on some semen.
  • Creates own exercise guy/Does exercise wrong guy. Yea, the guy who does half reps and thinks he’s getting a full workout or the guy who is twisting around with his arms in an odd position. Who taught you how to lift? You clearly did not play a sport in college, which is fine. But you also clearly lack any sort of a brain.
  • Talk in the gym guy. I have my headphones on. What are people doing when they have their headphones on? They are listening to music. If I’m listening to music, I have no want to talk to a complete stranger. Leave me alone. Along with this guy, is talk on the phone in the gym guy. What the F are you doing? General rules to weight lifting: Get in. Get your swoll with efficiency. Get out. Is that so hard?

So, if you are listed above, please do not go to a gym near me. I just suffered a minimum of 9 hours of work passion, please dont bring passion to my post work life.

Logic