Archive for June 14, 2010

Before I get to the ACOTW once again props to Darkness, Hotdogs, and Cleotus for keeping up with posting. “Logic, does that mean your going to post more regularly?”. No, no it doesn’t.

Now, on to Tuesday’s edition of Area Code of the Week Week. I picked a bad day to do my ACOTW because Darkne$$ killed it. I let out several hearty guffaws while reading. If I’m posting, you know there’s gotta be a damn good reason. That reason, is this:

Ok ok, maybe thats not what she actually looks like…but its pretty damn close. South Park damn near committed an entire episode to clowning this chick and for good reason too, her show is made by the Devil.  Dear Hollywood, please stop telling me that well below average/borderline ugly looking people are pretty/beautiful/sexy/gorgeous/etc because you often will get it completely wrong. See below:

Which one is the horse? I’ll give you a minute.

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The one on the left right. That was the opposite of easy, I know. SJP does have quite a horse like quality about her so those two pictures kind of blend together. Time to get down to the nitty gritty right? Lets throw some numbers at her. We’ll go Face, Body, and end with the most controversial: Would you or won’t you?

Face:

What are you looking at Sarah? No seriously, what the hell are you looking at? That’s like a picture you see of someone on Facebook who isn’t looking at the camera because there are like 10 cameras taking pictures at the same time so you don’t know where to look. Hold on, is that her own perfume? Lovely? So she took this picture, and then allowed someone to put it in an add for her own perfume? Does she not realize she looks like in 9th grade biology day dreaming?  People I don’t want my girlfriend to smell like: Sarah Jessica Parker. OK, that picture is definitely perhaps unfair. I may or may not have picked the worst picture I could find. OK, so here’s a better picture. I guess:

Yes, that is a good picture of her believe it or not. You know how I know that? Because I could have put up this one:

Served. Its amazing what a little fame makeup can do. We’ve bantered extensively about what exactly is a 1,2,3,4,etc when it comes to the face. Of course, this is objective and to each his own. Well SJP, consider yourself Logically served: Face=3

Body

This is the only remote picture I could find of SJP’s “tail”. Tail isn’t really appropriate here, her long back with a crack is a much better description. J’s?

Where? At least she keeps it tight, that’s about all she’s got going for her because the rest of her body is scarily bony. Due to the fact that she has all her limbs and is not morbidly obese, she gets a 4 in the body department. Interesting note, the above picture is the best one I could find.  That’s not a good sign…Now for the controversial part, would you or wouldn’t you?

1 or 0?

I think ol boy in the bottom right got that right. If you can’t read it, it says “sooooooooo not sexy”. There’s a problem when your famous and I can find more bad pictures of you than good ones. There’s a problem when South Park makes fun of you for how bad you look. There’s a problem when I look at your picture and immediately feel a sharp pain in my testicles.

Verdict? I spent more time looking at SJP while writing this post than I have my entire life given I’ve never been dumb enough to watch more than 5 minutes of Sex in the City (except for when you’re 12 and see the show is named Sex in the City, so you think your going to see boobs and instead you see four women of which only one is remotely attractive run around the city acting a fool setting an awful example for all younger women. Seriously, suck my balls, but don’t send SJP). Coincidentally, or not, I now think I need glasses.  Congratulations Ms. Jessica Parker, you’re the first 0 in ATI’s ACOTW history.

Sarah Jessica Parker is ATI Dissaproved. Final Score: 304.

Some may disagree with the 0, but I don’t care. You’re wrong. Powder yourself. I’ll be back in a month or so.

What do you think:

Logic aka Women please stop watching Sex in the City, life doesn’t work like that. Well I guess unless you want to be 50 and unmarried, then watch away and emulate everything they do. I hate you Sex and the City. I truly despise you with a passion (read: passion, not Passion).

UPDATE  – Upon reading this post, Cleotus said the following: “SJP invented erectile dysfunction.”. Nuff said

What up ATIliens!

Like my boy Hotdogs Anderson said this week is  ACOTW WEEK and we’ll be hitting upside your head with area codes all week.  Also we fully realized how repetitive Area Code of the Week Week is.  HAHA Nonsense.   There is a reason your boy Darkne$$ is starting this celebration off and that’s because everyone knows I gets it started right!

Now I wanted to start this with someone who will spark some debate but all readers will agree that the middle digit is a 1 (even our female followers).    Now let’s rate Jessica Biel:

First up is the face game.   As you can see from that picture above she is gorgeous but lets take a better look.

Dayummmmmmmmmmm!

I would be using all the classic Fresh Prince-esque lines on her:

“Baby hurry up and write your number down before I don’t want it no more”

“Did it hurt?…When you fell from heaven?”

“Do you have a map?  I just keep getting lost in your eyes”

“Hey somebody farted…let’s get out of here”

Okay that last one was mine.  I’ll tell you what…searching Jessica Biel on Google images was one of the best things I’ve ever done.   This chick is pretty flawless in the face department.   Love that half kissy  face seduction look she’s got going on in the pic above.  But that’s when she’s all done up.   What about when she’s just out on the streets?

UH OH SPAGHETTI-Os I expect every woman to look a little rough in the morning when they wake up after a night of drinking and rough sex with no make up on BUT…she’s rolling out in public like this so she is going to be judged by this.    I think her beauty transcends her roughed up picture above.  (BTW that was one of millions of awesome pictures).   I’m going to go ahead and say the first digit is an:   8

Next up is the binary would you or would you not TAP DAT ARSE?

jessicabiel.gif JESSICA BIEL image sniper_051

THOSE ARE REAL BTW

jessica-biel-sexy-wallpaper.jpg jessica biel image baddy579

YES PLEASE.  Not much to say here except for 1.

We have an 8 and we have a 1.  Now let’s talk about the body.

jess.jpg Jessica Biel image mastergian

BOOM BOOM POW! I think we can all agree that J Biel keeps it tight.   She must be on that Kanye Workout Plan or something.  DAMN.  But let’s get a closer look at the whooty that’s she’s hiding.

jessicabiel1gif.gif JESSICA BIEL image sniper_051

GOOD LAWD!!!!! THIS MAKES ME WHAT TO GET UP AND DO THAT CHURCH DANCE!

The things that I would to with/to Jessica Biel are not legal in most of the states in America.  I would have to get on a plane, hop in a boat, barter with a tribal chief, and get escorted up a mountain by a Sherpa in order to find a safe place to have devious coitus with her.   WHAT?!?! To put it in the words of Cleotus…”I would drink her bath water after a five mile jog”.   Cue “Freak Me” by Silk.

I’m going to go ahead and give her another 8 for the body.    I dare you to poke holes Booze!

For your viewing pleasure I’ve posted the video of J Biel  in that sort of funny Adam Sandler Movie “Chuck and Larry“.   Enjoy this 818.

What do you think?

Darkne$$ aka Arnold Palm-her

After slackin’ on our pimpin’ and some extensive email banter, ATI has decided to make the week of June 14th, 2010 “Area Code of the Week” Week.

Is she a 919?

Each day this week you’ll get a new Area Code of the Week to spark your work, school, internship, or unemployment banter.   So get ready for some 919s, 616s, 415s, and even maybe a 302.

-Ya Guys at ATI