Archive for June 16, 2010

If you are a regular follower of ATI and the greatness known simply as DARKNE$$ you are aware of my affinity for ig’nant dances.

But I think we may have gone tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far with these.   The thing about dance crazes is that they catch on and no matter how absurd it is.   I think this first dance was created in Arizona.  Ha.  It’s called “Do the Wetback”.   Yea that’s right…check it out.

Wow how pleasantly racist that was.  Well I guess it’s not racist if your own people are the ones making up the dance.  Not really seeing that catch on.  That’s too direct with the racism.   You gotta be more subtle with your ish like my man Down aka Kilo with “Lean Like a Cholo”.

Man those Mexicans out west be clownin.  This joint is kinda hot though.   Lean like a Cholo…sure…Do the Wetback…not so much.

The new dance craze down in Brazil is called Surra de Bunda.  What does Surra De Bunda mean?   According to Wikipedia:

The Surra de Bunda is a dance invented by the São José dos CamposSão PauloBrazil group Tequileiras Do Funk which involves a female dancer “beating” her buttocks into a male’s face.[1][2] It gained international attention by mid-2010. The phrase Surra de Bunda in Brazilian Portuguese loosely means “butt beat” or “butt pounding”.[1][3]

Here is a video of one of their concerts for your enjoyment.

That dance is soooooooooooooo fictional.  I can’t believe that actually goes on.  If you search Surra de Bunda on YouTube you’ll find a gang of videos of dudes subjecting themselves to booty meat in the face.  Now I don’t mind taking some Grade A booty meat to the face but this is pretty absurd to have this be and international dance craze.  You have kids doing the stanky leg, soulja boy, jerking, and everything else but that is just plain cute.   We can’t have kids doing the Surra de Bunda.  Hell we already got parents letting their kids get freaky on the dance floor. Can you imagine some lil 7 year olds getting busted doing this at school and claiming they saw it on TV or YouTube?  YES!  We’ll see how far this goes before it becomes an epidemic.

Fruity_black_dancer

Let’s hope this never catches on.

Darkne$$ aka MC Hammered

In case you all missed your serving of Grits and Gravy for breakfast, I’m coming at you with day 3 of Area Code of the Week.  I am certainly thankful for the digital goonery that led to the creation of the groundbreaking week in which  we at ATI get to indulge in some sweet, shallow evaluation of some of the women who were fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be bantered about recently.  Let’s get into it…Today we have Kristen Stewart.

I truly hope that there is nobody on God’s green earth who is both an ATI fan and a Twilight fan. If you are one of these: I hereby decree, by the power vested in my by CTE and ATI, that you must powder your right hand and slap your left cheek every time you visit our beloved annals of ignance. And, of course, check yourself (aloud) with a no romo, no decadence, no brokeback, no richard simmons, or any variation.  I don’t understand you females and your obsession with all this vampire ish anyway.  I really don’t understand you why you are attracted to dudes that sleep in the ground, never see the light of day, and physically harm you.  I mean last time I decided to not shower for a few days, disallow my beautiful mulatto skin to be bronzed, and smack B’s around….well, it was just a different time.  There should not be any fascination with these vampires, or the dudes who turn into werewolves.  It’s not even nonsense, it’s just wacked out buffoonery.  Imagination and adventure my arse…you girls need to go back to selling Girl Scout cookies for a few extra bucks and get your hustle on…learn some real skills.  Nobody wants to hire a fang banger with no pigment whose hobbies include “getting bitten” and only work experience is 2 years dancing at The ‘Stab to pay off your junior college courses; and you damn sure aren’t gonna find any sugar daddies with that SJP (see Tuesday’s ACOTW) face and the body type and color of a cigarette.  I’m digressing, but you Twilight groupies are really overcookin’ my grits.

Alrighty now, lets dive into some due diligence on Kristen’s overall assets.  Kick it off with the face.  I’m being mildly generous with the photo selection, but you be the judge.

Really playin’ up her dark, mysterious vibe in this particular photo.  I’m just curious if the camera flashes give off UV rays, maybe that would put some color into the poor girls face.  I understand they gotta pale you up for the movies, but I’m assuming you stay in Cali or somethin..LG.  The intriguing pair of green eyes will get put her in the 4-5 range for me.  I’ll be nice and give her a 5, Grits don’t like to hate too much.  Moving on, we’ll check out what miss Kristen is workin with in terms of the mainframe, saving the binary for the end.

hmmmm….I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here.  Let’s check in with Hov and B and see what they think:

Yeaaaaa, I’m gonna have to go ahead and agree with you there J and B (B hopefully your ACOTW post is on the way cuz…damn). Anyway, with regards to the above photo of our girl Kristen…I think i’ll quote my man Cleo Jenkins when I say “Damn…you gotta get that surgery to tighten your ish up or somethin.”  J game is not where I’d like it to be, which is ironic considering I feel like I could have a whole bowl of corn pops in the belly button.  Haha, maybe a small bowl.  I can deal with a little to a decent amount of meat, but you gotta know where to put it ladies.  Let’s keep going.

Alright Kristen, alright….Good to see you wearing some colorful clothes at least.  The high heels help you quite a bit, but you seem to have the makings of a decent caboose.  Is there light at the end of the tunnel for you? Let’s take one more quick peak at that backside.

Kristen you low down, no good, dirty trickster.  A bonified fail tail if I have ever seen one.  Good thing your crazy british shapeshifting vampire clowns enjoy holding on to your virginity more so than your butt cheeks….good lawd.  The lack of a J game, tightness, or any resemblance of a booty give me no choice but to award you a 3 in the overall body portion of the area code assessment.  On to the last section.  I’d ask my man Tiger Woods but we all know that he probably has already hit it.  Matter of fact, when he woke up in the morning after his sesh with Kristen his reaction was probably similar to this one:

Now regardless of the above evidence…I AM warm blooded goon; so I would inevitably have no choice to but to drop it off in Kristen’s drawls (given the right circumstance; i.e. I would have to be at a high enough level of tazement to convince myself she had about 3 more pounds of booty meat, and the sitch would have to lead into her buying me breakfast.)  That being said…Kristen Stewart scores a 513 (or a Cincinnati, OH) on the area code scale.  Unfortunately she is an O-H-I-NO for those of us with high standards.

What do you think?

Comin’ in hot,

Grits and Gravy