Archive for the ‘Area Codes’ Category

Alright…we’ve heard about it, we’ve read about, but I know we haven’t seen too much of this week’s ACOTW. Is this a completely predictably ACOTW? Yes. Does anybody care because we all wanna see more of this pretty little thing? Yes. Are we at ATI shamelessly trying to capture some website hits from hornballs looking for Jenn Sterger pics? Oh yes.

The ATI crew has been bantering, obviously, about the Brett Favre Jenn Sterger “scandal” and I have a few WTF questions/points. The first and most important statement is not only to Brett Favre, but to all self respecting men out there: Don’t take pictures of your D piece, and if for some reason you do, Don’t send these pictures to ANYONE. Seriously, how are you gonna just be chilling there, with nothing on but a pair of crocs, and snap a picture of your flacid self?? THATS NOT OKAY! I’ll give points for supa ig’nance, but let’s go…you can look at it whenever you want, it’s hanging right there between your legs. And barring an extremely unfortunate act of God and/or science, it’s going to be there for a while. It’s not like your dick looks better on any given day…”Oh my sh*t is looking good today, lemme snap a quick pic and post it to my mobile uploads..” You sir, are an idiot. I don’t even know why people call it a scandal anyway, Brett didn’t even g’i’nair. He, like most men out there, finds Ms. Sterger extremely attractive…so he tried to have sex with her. LOGIC. Whatever, let’s get into it already.

Lemme see if I remember how to do this. Ahh yes, face. Jenn Sterger’s face is really attractive. She’s a tan white girl with some attitude and a face that says, “Let’s talk football, then let’s talk about how good looking I am, then let’s talk about you sending me a picture of your hang dang…”

I’m gonna go ahead and give her a solid 8 on the face game, she’s bringin’ heat with those eyes and soft features(soft features is a nonsensical term we throw around that essentially means she’s easy to look at).

Next up we have the binary. A quick shot to refresh your memory of what we’re working with…

well…I don’t know, maybe another angle?

Ok, I guess I’ll give her a 1. Goodness gracious. Alright now, on to category #3: body. I can’t imagine dear old Jenny would score that high in this category, God bless her, but let’s examine.

PAGAGAGAGAGA hooray for me billy! Jenn is working with a pretty serious stomach game, and she is clearly all set with her J game. I’m sure those sweater cows are harder than a marble counter top, but I’m not going to sit here and hate on a girl who is simply trying to enhance her assets and jump a couple rounds in the draft. The girl obviously stays in shape, you can tell by the lean and athletic build. Jenny’s friends are early round pics as well, gotta love a group of females that just roll out to a club in some swimsuits. One more pic for good measure…

Wapap! Jenn’s tail is what you would expect, very on par with the rest of her body. It’s not going to blow you away like her girl in the middle(DAMN), but it’s definitely there…and it’s definitely very nice. I mean i’m not quite sure what else to say other than I like looking at it. For the final number I’m going with a 7.

Every man, at least every happily single man, can and should pursue a 817 as fine as Jenn Sterger…so I can’t really hate on Favre. At the end of the day, it would be very tough to refuse her a dong shot if you knew it would pay dividends. Sad but true…sometimes it’s necessary to get a little freaky via your mobile device. What’s the worst that could happen?

Oh yea…my bad Eldrick.

What do y’all think?

Payday tomorrow, IM RIIICH BIITCH

-Grits

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MTK: Marry, Tap, Kill

Posted: September 10, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Area Codes, MTK: Marry, Tap, or Kill
Tags: ,

YESSSSSSIR I’m delirious right now. I’m in a state of limbo. It’s a mixture of drunk and tired. Terrrrrible. I’m attempting a one man resuscitation of ATI.

I’m going to be Mariano Rivera and come in for relief for Darkne$$.

I’m attempting to decide who to marry, tap, kill the following chicks: the school cafeteria lady, the school guidance counselor and the school secretary.

BAHHHHHHH!

MARRY:

I would marry the hell out of a guidance counselor.

Let’s be honest, they don’t guide shit. You already know what colleges you want to apply to and they never dissuade you from applying to that “reach school”. let’s goooooooo. People, your parents should be your guide. Parents, stop pushing off your duties to a middle aged plump woman with two master degrees in education. How come all the counselors really do look like the above picture? Slightly plump with 32 D’s and wearing a turtle neck. They always happy too. So I know she ain’t bringing any of her work shit home at night. I can get peaceful sleep with her chirping in my ear about some kid.

TAP:

I would tap the ass of that lunch lady.

Look at them mixed peas and carrots. HA! How come every lunch lady is black? You could be in Greenwich, Connecticut and still see a negro lady serving up some slop at a boarding school. I wouldn’t mind beating them cakes while she’s wearing an apron and hair net. Also, I can’t forget the gravy fragrance. hmmmmm Oh yeah, I want her to have a ladle in one hand. SEXY

KILL:

The school office secretary.

She needs to die because she pretty much sucks. All she does is snitch on students all day. She smiles all up in ya grill while she is ratting on your ass in the principal’s office. I ain’t ever met a male school secretary. This snitch has got to go. 

I’m out!

Man it’s been hotter than the back of a fat person’s knee outside.   These are the days I’m glad I work in my hell cube and not in the streets building ish or something.   But anyway you know what time it is ATIliens…MTK time!

This week we’ll be taking a look a couple of tenderonies that were child stars and are all grown up.    Lets get to it:

Raven-Symone’

KILL

You all remember the little sweetie Olivia on the Cosby show…well Raven done grew up and.   Most would describe her as a whole lotta woman…but she does pull it off. Now Raven has cornered the Nickelodeon kids show market and is getting crazy Micky Mouse cheese.   This broad is the queen of playing characters way younger than you really are.  It a tough game that most like Nick Cannon, Hilary Duff, and Keenen Thompson couldn’t last in once they start pushing the mid-twenties and had to move on to other things.   The face is that kids like dumb stuff on Disney and Nickelodeon but how long can she keep it up.   Now I could consider marrying her for her money but she is just too damn annoying and I can’t be walking the red carpet at the Kids Choice Awards.   I could just get up in those guts but ehhhh that ain’t nothing to brag about.  So I decided to put the old girl down before she fades into oblivion when she figures out there is no life after children’s television.  Someone give this broad a Blue’s Clue…you done.

Hayden Panettiere

TAP

Now remember the titans came out Hayden was only 10 years old and I was 17.  Now I’m just saying that even back then at 10 you could tell she was going to be pretty one day.   DON’T JUDGE ME!  Well who cares she’s 20 going on 21 now so she is fair game.   When she came back in Heroes everyone was like “see…I told you that lil girl from Remember the Titans was going to be hot!”.   She is bringing that fiyah but in a ‘I could totally get with that chick because she’s hot but looks like a regular old shawty that would be ’round the way’ kind of way.    She is built like a gymnast and played a cheerleader on heroes which equals flexibility and pep in the sack.  Both are key features when playing hide the sword.  Also lately she’s been dressing a lil sluttier and acting like a dirty girl which mean she’s ready to shed that good girl image and get with Darkne$$.

Tatyana Ali

MARRY

Yes please!  Ashley Mothacuffin’ Banks!  Marry all the way.  She is perfect for ya boy because she is still getting that Fresh Prince money but she’s not too busy with work right now. (at least I ain’t see her in ish lately) As you can see she’s all grown up and looking fly like a paper airplane.  She’s got that education from Harvard so you know she  is ready to bring in that guap by any means necessary.   Oh and my wifey can sing…remember that joint she had…what was it called???????   Oh yea Day Dreamin’…check it out!

Damn that was terrible…ummm…I mean good job baby girl!  She’s a go getta.  Darkne$$ will just be able to focus on his hustle game like devoting more time to ATI and freestyling with the goons.  Life is good.  I’m bout to head to Bel-air…I’m ready to make a deposit in Ashley’s banks.

Darkne$$ aka Biz Darkie

It’s always dark somewhere! Ya heard.

Hope everyone is recovering from “Tell Great Britain to Tahst it” Day.   This week we are going to take a look at something different for MTK.   We had singers and actresses so far…so this week we are going with athletes.   There is a lot of hidden talent out there in the world of sports.   Every now and then you’ll see some chick who golfs, plays professional volleyball, or is a track star get some recognition for being well smashable but certainly not enough.

So let’s take a look at three lovely ladies of professional sports:

Lolo Jones – Professional Track Star

MARRY

Yes sir!  Lolo fo sho sho.  This chick is way faster than me anyway so ain’t no reason in running if she’s chasing…and the ladies chase Darkne$$.  Lolo is a decorated track athlete and fine as a ticket on the dash.  This is a no brainer…sure a track career isn’t long and is very dependent on being healthy (so I can’t be putting her in the pretzel) but she has them good genes.  With my Darkne$$ and her athleticism we are bound to have a lil LeBron.   Also track athletes are muscular but not so much that you feel like the woman in the relationship.  Plus she got that good hair….our kids will come out looking like Jaden Smith.   I teach Lo Lo how to get  low low.

Misty May-Treanor/Kerri Walsh – Professional Beach Volleyball Players

TAP

I can hear the followers now…”but Darkne$$ how are you going to pick two chicks to tap?”.  Simple…they go hand and hand.  You can’t have one without the other.   I don’t know if you can even find a picture with just one of them without the other (GOE).  My guess is that if you got one of them willing to attend the meeting in the bedroom then the other will follow.   Volleyball chicks have also been deceptively hot.  With their long legs and lean torsos and ability to handle balls.  But put them on the sand in bikinis and BOOM!  This sport was definitely invented by a man.    Man can you imagine letting them volley your balls and serve you on the tempurpedic?   Not to mention that they have a couple of gold medals so they like to the be the best AT EVERYTHING!    It looks like Misty may be draggin wagon in that pic above.    I know double tapping is illgal in volleyball but I think they’ll make an exception for Darkne$$.

Candice Parker-Williams – Professional Woman’s Basketball Player

KILL

Candice Parker would not fall into this category but Candice Parker-Williams does.   I was deeply infatuated with her when she was dominating lesser broads at Tennessee.  But then she goes and marries Sheldon Williams! WHAT? And if that isn’t devastating enough they went ahead and procreated.   WHY CANDICE???  Your husband looks like E.T. and your child will most likely look like a gremlin.  Yes she is a beautiful red boned specimen that would probably shoot out a whole basketball team but…I can’t condone marrying so far beneath you.   Sheldon Williams played at Duke – FAIL.  Your brother, Anthony Parker, is one of the reasons LeBron is prob leaving Cleveland – FAIL.  You play for the WNBA and make a whopping $65,000 a year – FAIL.   You could have had Darkne$$ baby…you failed.  You are the weakest link…GOODBYE!

Darkne$$ aka McThuggin’

What up ATIliens???  It’s Thursday for you but it’s my Friday.  Don’t have to work tomorrow since I’ll be posted up at the Yankee’s game.  You babe, have that.  The new season of Top Chef started last week, so in honor of that this weeks Area Code of the Week is the host, Padma Lakshmi.

Looks like she likes Chocolate...good for us

Dear Padma,

Please continue to do that.

Thanks,

Everyone

Let’s start out with the face:

Padma has that exotic look to her.  She’s also got that older woman appeal.

She’s defintely a Nolan because she’s almost 40 and still bringing the heat.  I’m going to give her an 8.

Now for the binary code a.k.a. would you.  That’s clearly a 1.  Let’s go.  Nuff said.

And on to the body.  Let’s take a peak at what she’s working with:

OOOOOOO, me likey.  She’s definitely working with a model type midsection and some nice J’s.  Plus she’s looking pretty damn sexy in that lingerie.  We need to see what she’s working with from the backside too though:

That’s definitely a nice little model booty but it’s not poppin’ enough for ya man Hotdogs.  It’s definitely good enough for these dudes though:

"We am NOT looking at these lobsters"

I’m going to give Padma a 7 for the body. She can definitely cook for me any time.   Maybe we can open up a restaurant together on the corner of Beat Street and Sesh Avenue.

That makes her an 817 meaning she’s chillin’ down in Ft. Worth, TX.  Who has ever made eating a burger sexier than this?

What do y’all think?

-Hotdogs Anderson

“1 2 3 way, 4 4 makes 8, 9 times outta 10 its 11 or a 12 gauge Friday the 13th thats the day that hell raise But yall boys 2 week, like 14 days!”

Weezy dropped some serious knowledge in that line just like I am bout to with the second installment of MARRY, TAP, KILL.  After very positive feedback from the ATIliens on the new MTK post I am excited to make it a weekly presence on ATI.  Last week we had Destiny’s Child where I married Kelly, tapped Beyonce, and killed that other one.  Ha.

This week we have….CHARLIE’S ANGELS.

Not the original broads that we highkicking random minorities in the 70s.  I’m talking about the ones that everyone knows from the movies.  Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Lucy Lui.  I’ve had a couple of Darkie’s Angels in my day but I’ve never had to make the decision to marry, tap, or kill one of them but today is the the day.

Lucy Liu


MARRY

Good lord in heaven what a creation.   I would marry Lucy Liu so hard! Whatever that means.  Lucy is definitely wifey material.  She’s over 40 so she’s a cougar.  She had her days of being wild but she’s ready to just take care of Darkne$$ now.  But those years of being an uncaged jungle cat also gave her the experience to hit ya boy with the secrets of the Kama Sutra.  YEAAAAAAAA BOYYYYYY! While she can def be the Chris Brown of the relationship due to her extensive martial arts skills…I’ll let her beat me like Sophia whooped on Harpo in the Color Purple.  I’ll kindly beat those cakes in return. And you know she know her way around a wok.  Lucy Liu…me love you long time!

Drew Barrymore

TAP

Damn Drew has varied from a 303 to a 616.  Talk about a tale of two cities.  But I’m hoping to catch her on good day when I go Duncan Hines on her and beat them cakes.   Now there are enough sexy shots of Drew to make me want to hit it from the window to the wall as seen here.   Now Drew has been on crack and back since her days of becoming famous in E.T.  But she is hippie flower child at heart and probably shags with the best of them.   She would also probably be into some freaky deaky stuff and invite a friend or two (of the female persuasion of course) to join in on the action.  Maybe it’ll be Lucy and Cameron so this would turn into a TAP TAP TAP fest.  One man can only hope.  In the movie 50 First Dates Drew couldn’t remember anything after she went to sleep for the night…but she’ll remember this because she won’t be sleeping! Ya Dig!

Cameron Diaz

KILL

No doubt Cameron Diaz has been bringing the heat since she starred in The Mask.   But my god this woman has been passed around more than a Wii Controller.   Let’s check out her laundry list of boyfriends:

Justing Timberlake 2003-2006

Djimon Hounsou 2007

Kelly Slater 2007

Jude Law 2007

Bradley Cooper 2007

John Mayor 2007

Gerald Butler 2008

Paul Sculfor 2008

Alex Rodriguez 2009

DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMMM.  She had a serious 2007.   I can’t in my right mind put Lil Darkne$$ in danger by tapping this.  Also you can’t turn an ho into a housewife so that’s out of the question.   I would be doing everyone a favor by killing her because that would decrease the world’s diseases by 30%.  I mean come on Cameron…you gotta be looking like Princess Fiona down there.   She’s still hot though which is always tempting.  Which is why I have to kill her before I tap her.  See ya Cameron.

Darkne$$ aka Bruce Illest

Darkne$$ is about to bless ATI with another weekly staple to go along with P Droppa Friday and ACOTW (yes we know we sometimes slack on ACOTW but we blessed you everyday last week so buck our salls).   MTK stands for Marry, Tap, or Kill. I’m sure all of you have played this game before but for all you Simple Jacks out there I will elaborate.  The rules are simple…someone throws out 3 names and you have to choose to marry, cuff, or kill each one.  But you can only conduct one act on one person.  If you don’t get it by now you are on the wrong blog ya dig.

Up first is the fine sexy ladies of former super group:

Destiny’s Child

I picked DC because who better to start off with than a group of ladies who are all beautiful and talented in their own way.   Sometimes Beyonce fits all three categories but as the rules state she can only be one.   So let’s start with Mrs. Hov….Beyonce.

TAP

Now like I said before sometime I want to marry Beyonce and sometime I want to kill her.   But this time around I want to just tap that arse!  Why you ask?  Because she is currently married to the multi-millionaire known as Jay-Z.  I’m hoping that in order to keep me quiet about be beating her cakes in the House of Dereon that she pays me a large sum of money to keep me quiet only for me to leak the story to TMZ anyway!  BIG PIMPIN SPENDING CHEESE!!!!  Not to mention I’d like to think that while B is a minx in the sheets she probably doesn’t have time to pop on a P Droppa and take care of bizness.  Also she’s probably realllllllly extra in bed like she is in real life.  She will probably be warming up her voice and endorsing products while it’s going down.  Can’t have that.  So I’d just like to sweat out her weave and be gone!

Up next is Kelly Rowland

Marry

I’ve always said that she is very underrated and under-appreciated  because of Beyonce.   Kelly is equally as beautiful as B they just are different types of beautiful.  Kelly still got money.   She’s getting Destiny’s child money and she has a decent single every now and then.   Not to mention she has an acting career also.  The difference between her and B is that she is not a mega star that doesn’t have time for ya boy Darkne$$.  I feel like she can go out and do a book signing, photo shoot, and read a script all before coming home and frying up some chicken.  After a nice sesh she’s headlining at the House of Blues.  My kind of woman.  All I gotta do is look  fly and flashy for the cameras and spend that dough. Call me Mr. Darkne$$ Rowland.  LOVE TO!

Lastly we have Michelle

KILL

While she is would be considered the least hot of the group she is still well smashable.   So why does poor Michelle have to die?  Well for starters she ain’t getting that  real Destiny’s Child money.  As you recall she came into the picture late after those other two broads were kicked out for getting too greedy.   So when she got there Kelly and B made sure their ish was locked up for life and threw Michelle the crumbs.  Secondly,  while many know of her, she is not a household name and your boy Darkne$$ only rocks name brand ya dig.    Can’t be braggin about dating the other DC member.  Lastly, she’s too quiet.  She never really spoke when  they would get an award or something.  Always in the background.   That means one of three things, she’s a a closet freak, she’s a really nice girl, or she is psycho!  Don’t really got the time to find out so… OFF WITH HER HEAD!

On the real…all of them are sexy and fine but someone has to die.   I’ll let them wrap things up with a lil lap dancing at the BET Awards.

GOOD LAWD LOOK AT TERRANCE HOWARD’S FACE GUFFFFFFAAAWWWWING

Darkne$$ aka John D. Chocofeller