Archive for the ‘Area Codes’ Category

I felt like Oprah in the above pic all week and Passion was Tom Cruise.  Thank GOD it’s FRIDAY.  I hope ya’ll are ready for the weekend.  Plenty of egregious banter, Firefly, a few P-Droppa Friday tracks for the whooties, and maybe a sesh (including the necessary morning one) is what’s in store for the guys at ATI.

Now on to the matter at hand:  Day Five of our ACOTW Week.  Who do I have in store for you today?  One of my favorite ronies, Mya.  Not only could that girl sing, but damn was she fine.  So off to our first number, face:

VERRRRY NICE.   She has a “soft” look to her (nonsense).  Probably a lil’ hot on the red carpet as her hair is frizzing out.  That’s not gonna affect her score that much.  She has a great smile:

I’m going to give Mya a 7 in the face region.

Now for the binary number, Would you?  Is this kid obese and probably have diabetes?

Is this decadent?

Well the answers to all three of those questions is yes?  So Mya is getting a 1 in the binary code.

Finally, what we’ve all been waiting for are those body pics.  Let’s take a look what she’s working with from the front angle:

Fiyahhhhh.  She’s keepin’ it tight.  Look at them hamhock thighs.  Let’s get another one:

Like I said, TIIIIIIIIGHT.  While some say she may be lacking in the mammary department (I, for one, am not a boobie man), she makes up for it with a certain asset: Need another angle?  Well, BAM:

DEAR LORD. I just wanna lay on that thing like a pillow.  I’d like to say some other things I’d like to do with her, but as DARKNE$$ said in his post on Ms. Biel, they are not legal in most states across the country.  I’m definitely giving Mya a 8.  Which gives her a solid 718, aka she’s from Brooklyn.

Here’s a song to help remind you of the fact that she could sing too.  (Silkk The Shocker does not help though….damn was he trash)

What do ya’ll think?

-Hotdogs Anderson

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ACOTW Done Gone Kuntry

Posted: June 17, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Area Codes, Generic Banter
Tags: , , ,

“If you could see That I’m the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can’t you
See you belong with me
You belong with me.”

Shut up Taylor Swift. Don’t nobody want your ass.

I’m so sick and tired of hearing how tight this chick is. I am also tired of hearing that song at the gym. Benching to country music is very passionate. I saw the clip where Kanye shine jacked her on that MTV awards show. Now let’s be honest, if he had any respect for her looks he wouldn’t have done that. No way he does that to Christina Aguilera. I saw a video last month of Golden Tate (receiver for the Seahawks) singing one of Taylor’s tunes:

Please check your temperature, negro. Can’t be letting yourself get caught on film like that. Golden is one strike away from getting his neeg card snatched.

So us at ATI were bantering at the headquarters about her area code. We tried to be as objective as possible.

1. Face

She is about as plain as it gets:

Even with all the make-up, she still is bringing the average. She got them nice eyes. Prolly some contacts though. All she getting is a 5.

2. Binary

Gots to be a 1. This was unanimous. It is quasi documented that we won’t kick most women out of bed. Plus she got a porn star name. Gotta be a freak.

3. Body

Can you believe that this was the best shot I could find?

COME ON! No ass shots??? No booty popping? She must be a proud resident of Pancake City. By definition she is getting a 5.

So ATI is giving Ms. Swift a 515. Coincidentally, that’s the area code for Des Moines, Iowa where she would probably be considered a tenderoni.

If you don’t like the area code, please listen to my response from Colonel Stinkmeaner:

What do ya’ll think?

-Stroka aka Daddy Long Stroke

In case you all missed your serving of Grits and Gravy for breakfast, I’m coming at you with day 3 of Area Code of the Week.  I am certainly thankful for the digital goonery that led to the creation of the groundbreaking week in which  we at ATI get to indulge in some sweet, shallow evaluation of some of the women who were fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be bantered about recently.  Let’s get into it…Today we have Kristen Stewart.

I truly hope that there is nobody on God’s green earth who is both an ATI fan and a Twilight fan. If you are one of these: I hereby decree, by the power vested in my by CTE and ATI, that you must powder your right hand and slap your left cheek every time you visit our beloved annals of ignance. And, of course, check yourself (aloud) with a no romo, no decadence, no brokeback, no richard simmons, or any variation.  I don’t understand you females and your obsession with all this vampire ish anyway.  I really don’t understand you why you are attracted to dudes that sleep in the ground, never see the light of day, and physically harm you.  I mean last time I decided to not shower for a few days, disallow my beautiful mulatto skin to be bronzed, and smack B’s around….well, it was just a different time.  There should not be any fascination with these vampires, or the dudes who turn into werewolves.  It’s not even nonsense, it’s just wacked out buffoonery.  Imagination and adventure my arse…you girls need to go back to selling Girl Scout cookies for a few extra bucks and get your hustle on…learn some real skills.  Nobody wants to hire a fang banger with no pigment whose hobbies include “getting bitten” and only work experience is 2 years dancing at The ‘Stab to pay off your junior college courses; and you damn sure aren’t gonna find any sugar daddies with that SJP (see Tuesday’s ACOTW) face and the body type and color of a cigarette.  I’m digressing, but you Twilight groupies are really overcookin’ my grits.

Alrighty now, lets dive into some due diligence on Kristen’s overall assets.  Kick it off with the face.  I’m being mildly generous with the photo selection, but you be the judge.

Really playin’ up her dark, mysterious vibe in this particular photo.  I’m just curious if the camera flashes give off UV rays, maybe that would put some color into the poor girls face.  I understand they gotta pale you up for the movies, but I’m assuming you stay in Cali or somethin..LG.  The intriguing pair of green eyes will get put her in the 4-5 range for me.  I’ll be nice and give her a 5, Grits don’t like to hate too much.  Moving on, we’ll check out what miss Kristen is workin with in terms of the mainframe, saving the binary for the end.

hmmmm….I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here.  Let’s check in with Hov and B and see what they think:

Yeaaaaa, I’m gonna have to go ahead and agree with you there J and B (B hopefully your ACOTW post is on the way cuz…damn). Anyway, with regards to the above photo of our girl Kristen…I think i’ll quote my man Cleo Jenkins when I say “Damn…you gotta get that surgery to tighten your ish up or somethin.”  J game is not where I’d like it to be, which is ironic considering I feel like I could have a whole bowl of corn pops in the belly button.  Haha, maybe a small bowl.  I can deal with a little to a decent amount of meat, but you gotta know where to put it ladies.  Let’s keep going.

Alright Kristen, alright….Good to see you wearing some colorful clothes at least.  The high heels help you quite a bit, but you seem to have the makings of a decent caboose.  Is there light at the end of the tunnel for you? Let’s take one more quick peak at that backside.

Kristen you low down, no good, dirty trickster.  A bonified fail tail if I have ever seen one.  Good thing your crazy british shapeshifting vampire clowns enjoy holding on to your virginity more so than your butt cheeks….good lawd.  The lack of a J game, tightness, or any resemblance of a booty give me no choice but to award you a 3 in the overall body portion of the area code assessment.  On to the last section.  I’d ask my man Tiger Woods but we all know that he probably has already hit it.  Matter of fact, when he woke up in the morning after his sesh with Kristen his reaction was probably similar to this one:

Now regardless of the above evidence…I AM warm blooded goon; so I would inevitably have no choice to but to drop it off in Kristen’s drawls (given the right circumstance; i.e. I would have to be at a high enough level of tazement to convince myself she had about 3 more pounds of booty meat, and the sitch would have to lead into her buying me breakfast.)  That being said…Kristen Stewart scores a 513 (or a Cincinnati, OH) on the area code scale.  Unfortunately she is an O-H-I-NO for those of us with high standards.

What do you think?

Comin’ in hot,

Grits and Gravy

Before I get to the ACOTW once again props to Darkness, Hotdogs, and Cleotus for keeping up with posting. “Logic, does that mean your going to post more regularly?”. No, no it doesn’t.

Now, on to Tuesday’s edition of Area Code of the Week Week. I picked a bad day to do my ACOTW because Darkne$$ killed it. I let out several hearty guffaws while reading. If I’m posting, you know there’s gotta be a damn good reason. That reason, is this:

Ok ok, maybe thats not what she actually looks like…but its pretty damn close. South Park damn near committed an entire episode to clowning this chick and for good reason too, her show is made by the Devil.  Dear Hollywood, please stop telling me that well below average/borderline ugly looking people are pretty/beautiful/sexy/gorgeous/etc because you often will get it completely wrong. See below:

Which one is the horse? I’ll give you a minute.

.

.

.

The one on the left right. That was the opposite of easy, I know. SJP does have quite a horse like quality about her so those two pictures kind of blend together. Time to get down to the nitty gritty right? Lets throw some numbers at her. We’ll go Face, Body, and end with the most controversial: Would you or won’t you?

Face:

What are you looking at Sarah? No seriously, what the hell are you looking at? That’s like a picture you see of someone on Facebook who isn’t looking at the camera because there are like 10 cameras taking pictures at the same time so you don’t know where to look. Hold on, is that her own perfume? Lovely? So she took this picture, and then allowed someone to put it in an add for her own perfume? Does she not realize she looks like in 9th grade biology day dreaming?  People I don’t want my girlfriend to smell like: Sarah Jessica Parker. OK, that picture is definitely perhaps unfair. I may or may not have picked the worst picture I could find. OK, so here’s a better picture. I guess:

Yes, that is a good picture of her believe it or not. You know how I know that? Because I could have put up this one:

Served. Its amazing what a little fame makeup can do. We’ve bantered extensively about what exactly is a 1,2,3,4,etc when it comes to the face. Of course, this is objective and to each his own. Well SJP, consider yourself Logically served: Face=3

Body

This is the only remote picture I could find of SJP’s “tail”. Tail isn’t really appropriate here, her long back with a crack is a much better description. J’s?

Where? At least she keeps it tight, that’s about all she’s got going for her because the rest of her body is scarily bony. Due to the fact that she has all her limbs and is not morbidly obese, she gets a 4 in the body department. Interesting note, the above picture is the best one I could find.  That’s not a good sign…Now for the controversial part, would you or wouldn’t you?

1 or 0?

I think ol boy in the bottom right got that right. If you can’t read it, it says “sooooooooo not sexy”. There’s a problem when your famous and I can find more bad pictures of you than good ones. There’s a problem when South Park makes fun of you for how bad you look. There’s a problem when I look at your picture and immediately feel a sharp pain in my testicles.

Verdict? I spent more time looking at SJP while writing this post than I have my entire life given I’ve never been dumb enough to watch more than 5 minutes of Sex in the City (except for when you’re 12 and see the show is named Sex in the City, so you think your going to see boobs and instead you see four women of which only one is remotely attractive run around the city acting a fool setting an awful example for all younger women. Seriously, suck my balls, but don’t send SJP). Coincidentally, or not, I now think I need glasses.  Congratulations Ms. Jessica Parker, you’re the first 0 in ATI’s ACOTW history.

Sarah Jessica Parker is ATI Dissaproved. Final Score: 304.

Some may disagree with the 0, but I don’t care. You’re wrong. Powder yourself. I’ll be back in a month or so.

What do you think:

Logic aka Women please stop watching Sex in the City, life doesn’t work like that. Well I guess unless you want to be 50 and unmarried, then watch away and emulate everything they do. I hate you Sex and the City. I truly despise you with a passion (read: passion, not Passion).

UPDATE  – Upon reading this post, Cleotus said the following: “SJP invented erectile dysfunction.”. Nuff said

What up ATIliens!

Like my boy Hotdogs Anderson said this week is  ACOTW WEEK and we’ll be hitting upside your head with area codes all week.  Also we fully realized how repetitive Area Code of the Week Week is.  HAHA Nonsense.   There is a reason your boy Darkne$$ is starting this celebration off and that’s because everyone knows I gets it started right!

Now I wanted to start this with someone who will spark some debate but all readers will agree that the middle digit is a 1 (even our female followers).    Now let’s rate Jessica Biel:

First up is the face game.   As you can see from that picture above she is gorgeous but lets take a better look.

Dayummmmmmmmmmm!

I would be using all the classic Fresh Prince-esque lines on her:

“Baby hurry up and write your number down before I don’t want it no more”

“Did it hurt?…When you fell from heaven?”

“Do you have a map?  I just keep getting lost in your eyes”

“Hey somebody farted…let’s get out of here”

Okay that last one was mine.  I’ll tell you what…searching Jessica Biel on Google images was one of the best things I’ve ever done.   This chick is pretty flawless in the face department.   Love that half kissy  face seduction look she’s got going on in the pic above.  But that’s when she’s all done up.   What about when she’s just out on the streets?

UH OH SPAGHETTI-Os I expect every woman to look a little rough in the morning when they wake up after a night of drinking and rough sex with no make up on BUT…she’s rolling out in public like this so she is going to be judged by this.    I think her beauty transcends her roughed up picture above.  (BTW that was one of millions of awesome pictures).   I’m going to go ahead and say the first digit is an:   8

Next up is the binary would you or would you not TAP DAT ARSE?

jessicabiel.gif JESSICA BIEL image sniper_051

THOSE ARE REAL BTW

jessica-biel-sexy-wallpaper.jpg jessica biel image baddy579

YES PLEASE.  Not much to say here except for 1.

We have an 8 and we have a 1.  Now let’s talk about the body.

jess.jpg Jessica Biel image mastergian

BOOM BOOM POW! I think we can all agree that J Biel keeps it tight.   She must be on that Kanye Workout Plan or something.  DAMN.  But let’s get a closer look at the whooty that’s she’s hiding.

jessicabiel1gif.gif JESSICA BIEL image sniper_051

GOOD LAWD!!!!! THIS MAKES ME WHAT TO GET UP AND DO THAT CHURCH DANCE!

The things that I would to with/to Jessica Biel are not legal in most of the states in America.  I would have to get on a plane, hop in a boat, barter with a tribal chief, and get escorted up a mountain by a Sherpa in order to find a safe place to have devious coitus with her.   WHAT?!?! To put it in the words of Cleotus…”I would drink her bath water after a five mile jog”.   Cue “Freak Me” by Silk.

I’m going to go ahead and give her another 8 for the body.    I dare you to poke holes Booze!

For your viewing pleasure I’ve posted the video of J Biel  in that sort of funny Adam Sandler Movie “Chuck and Larry“.   Enjoy this 818.

What do you think?

Darkne$$ aka Arnold Palm-her

After slackin’ on our pimpin’ and some extensive email banter, ATI has decided to make the week of June 14th, 2010 “Area Code of the Week” Week.

Is she a 919?

Each day this week you’ll get a new Area Code of the Week to spark your work, school, internship, or unemployment banter.   So get ready for some 919s, 616s, 415s, and even maybe a 302.

-Ya Guys at ATI

I Believe This Is A Downgrade Folks/ACOTW

Posted: April 14, 2010 by Cleotus Jenkins aka the Slow Stroka in Area Codes
Tags: , , , ,

Just read that Reggie Bush got him a new ol lady these days. Apparently he was in Vegas to watch his new chick Jessie James perform:

Yeah she’s a country singer of sorts. Not sure what happened between Reggie and my girl Kimmy K but I consider this a step back. Guy just won the Super Bowl. He should be doing work all over. He with this new chick when he could be boinking this brick house:

Ooops. I just soiled my pants. Damn Kim. I love you. I would never break up with you. You could slap me around.

SIKE. I wish she would try to slap me.

So I’m going to try to see things from Reginald’s perspective> Yep it’s time for Area Code of the Week.

1. Face

I ain’t gonna lie, she skraight in the face region. That’s a 7.

2. Binary scale

No pic needed. Yall know the answer. That’s a fat ass yes. My standards are lower than the bottom of a bottomless pit. Hell, I’ll take this:

3. ASSets

HMMM something tells me she’s a tight package but gots zero ass:

Aiight she got nice breassisses. I’ll give her a 6.

She still doesn’t drop it off like Kim, but I like how Reggie is testing out all the areas of entertainment.  What do ya’ll think?

-ya boy stroka