Archive for the ‘Escapades In Pancake City’ Category

I got some down time here and decided to brush up on my geometry skills.  It’s simply amazing what people created in the absence of technology and basic utilities.  Pythagoras was like “yo a-squared plus b-squared equals c-squared.

Aint nobody gonna ever change that. Watch me prove it with some “theorems”.

  • The reciprocal of an open hand slap is a back hand slap
  • If one chick is congruent to another chick then they both are crazy                                
  • Getting caught by your sitch in a inexplicable predicament will now be referred to as a “trapezoid.” For example: Sitch: “Cleo, did you just text a girl named Raquel?” Cleo: “Naw”  Sitch: “Yes you did, I just saw it!”  TRAPEZOID                                                               

-Cleotus Jenkins

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ATI’s own fictional character, Cleotus, went on a date the other weekend.  Because he is who we thought he was, we decided to ask him about the deets from this date.  I now present you Escapades In Pancake City Pt. 2 Starring Cleotus Jenkins:

The chick likes sushi so we went to a sushinese restaurant. I didn’t go to the same place that I went on my past two disaster dates and I didn’t booze beforehand.   So she mentioned how she wasn’t much of a drinker AFTER I ordered a large saki and two large beers. I couldn’t beweave it. Women are unbelievable. Unnecessary scrill waste. Annnnnndd she didn’t like the saki. So we ordered some rolls and I warned her that I don’t do chop sticks but I’ll try for her. That got her blushing. Well the blushing was no match for the hunger I was feeling as the rolls kept falling off my chop stix. She felt bad and fat (she was eating most of it) so she ended up feeding ya boy. That’s right. I was leaning over getting fed by a nugget at classy stab.

So we go to a bar next door to cop some casuals. A bachelorette party strolls in and surrounds us. we get to talking them and they ask I we’re on a date. The hephas then try to clown me by asking how I was able to snatch up such a nice girl. I wanted to ask them what type of butter they used to grease their sides in order to get through the door. I didn’t but I can only wish. They pulled out a karma sutra book and asked me to sign a page. I ended up signing the “sexual seesaw” page because there was a brotha in the pic. I signed it “Dark Chocolate”. They called me that the rest of the night. The date loved it. Speaking of the date, she apparantly was pounding vodka-sodas while I was talking to the stampede. The chick was uber-tazed. She eneded up buying shots for the whole stampede…17 in total. Oh no I did not pay for those. That’s a chump move.

So around 11:45, ya boy was carrying this chick, who doesn’t drink much, out the bar. She was passed out in the cab. The cab driver kept giving me the thumbs up. We get to my crib and she rolls out the cab into the street. I couldn’t get her in the house. There was this random woman who just happened to be watching this debacle. She helped me get the date into my house. Imagine if you were a CCA (preposterous) in South Boston and you saw an uggin trying to get a drunk CCA chick into a house at 12am. Can’t believe no one called the cops. Anyway, I put her over my shoulder and carried her upstairs (He-Man) and put her to bed. She woke up at 6am, I told her what happened and now she’s embarrassed. I now have the upper hand. I never have the upper hand. It feels great. Potential downside is now I feel she isn’t answering my calls due to embarrassment. It’s like my dates mirror an “everybody hates Chris” episode.

-Dark Twain

We really gotta follow Cleotus with some cameras and make a reality show about his life.  After the first post and now this one, this is going to have to become an actual Bantegory.   Now all we can hope is that she calls a brotha back.

-Hotdogs

I’ve been in Europe basically the past 2 weeks so I haven’t been able to step my ATI game up.  However, I came back to the US, had some Popeye’s immediately upon leaving the airport, and started reading my emails from the last 2 weeks.  I stumbled across this gem from none other than Cleotus Jenkins describing his previous night to the rest of the ATI crew.  Let me start out by saying Cleo is the most fictional person I know.  He literally doesn’t exist. He should be in Imaginationland from South Park with all these characters:

So here’s the email in it’s entirety (photos have been added for hilarity):

Last night was a blueprint for how to get casually aggressive. I showed up at a CCA bar for a few casuals (love how that’s a noun) with 3 peeps. It started out tame with me drinking a couple of Cherry Wheat Sam Adams (absurd). Then I moved on to my new drink, Jack n soda aka the slip n slide (nonsense). I then inquired about Pomegranate Michelob Ultras (what?). The female bartender laughed at me. I then called her a hepha and ordered a Stella instead (sidenote: the word hepha does not translate in pancake city). She gave me the Stella and asked if I wanted a pomegranate vodka shot to go with it. Well she didn’t know I was from the 9th ward where we gladly accept free ish. I happily told her “yes” I would love a pomegranate vodka shot for free. Ahhhh she wasn’t ready for a jigga from that 504.

She had to go in the back and get a new bottle for ya boy. She got a shot glass out and I went “oh no sugar. Pour that ish right in the beer. Its all going in the same place.”. Well as I was walking out, who do I run into……TREACHERY. By the way, I got a disaster growing on my head, but Treachery looks like a civil rights leader from the 60s.

He was with his CCA co workers. He also had a pick in his hair. After we exchanged pleasantries, he promptly ordered three shots of rumple mint. No clue what kind of liquor it is but its 100 proof. I noticed that Treachery was there with about 20 dudes and one chick. Now from where I was standing, she was tight but that might be due to the fact that the chick was surrounded by jackals. What I said to her is a blur. Please apologize to her regardless.  I ended up meeting up with King Grime at Houston’s and that too is a blur. Grime could you also send my apologies to your co workers and clients? Grime, the Greek and I went to a bar in Southie later on where I tried to make whoopie with a married chick. I thought the shots of Crown sealed the deal.

If this email makes no sense, sue me.

I didn’t even know what to say.  I was appalled but at the same time proud of the uggin for bringing tears of laughter to me in the car (NHND).  Stay tuned, we’re gonna have to keep y’all posted for more Escapades with Cleo.

-Hotdogs Anderson