Archive for the ‘Real World Knowledge’ Category

So I’m a little all over the place today, been getting it dropped off in my drawls at work this week. Consider me displeased.

  • Alright, this is really grinding my gears. Why are AMERICANS so obsessed with the Royal Wedding? We do not have a King here. We do not have Queens. No Princes, Dukes, Princesses, Suchesses, etc. So why do people care so damn much about the Royal Wedding? Seriously? I mean do y’all not remember that England tried to drop it off in our colonial drawls in the 1770’s? Now we just let bygones be bygones? Nah playboi. Not me. I won’t even visit England. I hold grudges. So should every other red-blooded Amurican.
  • Now I didn’t major in British Politics, but don’t they have a Prime Minister now? They aren’t even run by the Royal Family anymore are they? Assuming those statements are accurate, that makes this fetish that much more mind bottling (yes, I said bottling)
  • If your obsessed, so be it. But do you really need to wake up at 3, 4am just to watch it? Take the day off from work and all that? Honestly? That’s guffable. I mean mix in a DVR and if you don’t have a DVR I’m pretty sure it’s not THAT big of an event. If I was a boss and someone came in tired as hell or called off from work they would return Monday and find feces on their chair and a note that says “You’re fired” with a picture of Donald Trump.
  • The NFL Draft is tonight. Normally I’m all over the draft. But this year? NOPE(spoken like Lana from archer. Google it if you don’t know what sound bite I’m talking about. Its defeinitely guffers). This lockout has taken all excitement out of the draft for ya boy Logic. I honestly hope the owners get it dropped in their billion dollar drawls in all of these law suits.
  • If the fans don’t boo Roger Goodell I will be mega disappointed.  I’m really looking forward to a chorus of South Park related ginger hatred chants. Don’t let me down fans
  • Speaking of Big Rog, I’d like to kick him in the chest. Which is not as disrespectful as a slap to the face but will inflict maximum bodily harm if executed properly. I will go to a karate dojo to perfect this strike and then use it on The Goodell. He’s cuffing with my football, and I do NOT like it
  • Not sure if I’ve mentioned this previous but I’m a 49ers fan (guff). There’s talk of them drafting Blaine Gabbert. If they do you can all but guarantee a suicide bombing of their facilities before his entire name gets out of Mr. Roger’s mouth. Seriously, I had never heard of Blaine Gabbert until Andrew Luck said he was going back to school. Now he’s battling to be the top QB with Cam Newton (who also shouldn’t be picked high). It really bothers me that I could make better draft decisions than a majority of NFL GMs. Once again, my services are for sale. Why is no one taking me up on my offers?
  • I did not research this in anyway but I will state it as fact: Cleveland is the record holder for A the most consecutive days with some amount of rain and 2 the overall worst weather. This is turrrrrrrble. I really can’t tell you the last time I saw the sun. August 2010?

Happy Draft Night, hopefully I get out of work in time to enjoy it

“Ish just got real like Pinocchio turds”  – Gambino

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The reception at the return of ATI has been nice. Frequency of posts won’t be as high as they once were, but if we can lower just one person’s Passion just a little bit, then we’ve successfully done what we set out to do. This post was initially an RAL then I realized this was worthy of a full post.

So about a week ago my Playstation died. Interesting note, I think I also died a little bit inside about a week ago. I had no idea how dependent I was on it until I got that mothercuffin flashing red light. I still see that flashing red light every time I close my eyes, it haunts me. I shut it down for two days then tried it again, I knew it wouldn’t work but I had to try. Maybe I’m masochistic. Maybe I enjoy Passion. Maybe enjoying Passion is the only way to defeat Passion (Passion will strike me down for that previous sentence. Passion has a book of rules. One of those rules is you can not use the word defeat directly before or after the word Passion.) Who knows. I don’t. So It turned on. Awesome right? I even got to start a game of NBA 2k11. Sweet. Then at tip off it shutoff on me. Surprised? No. But did it hurt? Yes, yes it hurt deeply (NH). Here are a few things I apparently didn’t do when my playstation was operational:

Leave my bed- Those who know me know I love my bed. I only need half a reason to get in bed, not even a whole one. Just half. I sat on the couch for an extended period of time the day after my PS3 broke. It felt like I hadn’t spent more than 10 or 15 minutes in my living room for months. It was a nice change, the couch is pretty comfortable. Not quite bed comfortable, but not bad. I was a new man.

Eat a normal dinner- I would come home, get in bed and start playing. I’d get hungry after like 2 hours and go eat some Ramen (the staple of any mid 20s male diet) and tuna or some spinach and tuna. I hadn’t cooked since the UFC/Strikeforce Merger. Pretty sad, it’s ok. You can laugh.

Work out regularly – “I’ll start on Monday”, what every person says when they haven’t been working out on a regular basis. This phrase had become a staple in my vocabulary. It was right after “Banter”, “Drawls”, and “Passion”. I’d get home and be like yea, I’m going to get a lift today. Then I’d sit in my bed and I’d say well, I can play one game. Next thing you know I’m eating tuna and ramen and I’ve been playing video games for three hours.

Watch TV – TV from 6 to 8 is incredible. Two and a Half Men (props to Charlie Sheen on his recent tirade. No, I’m not going to drop a Cahrlie sheen quote, they’re so outplayed), The Office, How I Met Your Mother, King of Queens, Family Guy. Way better than “Primetime” TV from 8 to 10 which is nothing more than TERRIBLE reality TV. Before I would turn my PS3 on then stream shows on my computer. It’s nice because I watch what I want, but still. I love post work TV.

Be productive on a Saturday- Hungover or not (more often than not I’d be hungover), I’d wake up and lay in bed for hours playing. HOURS. I was setting records and then breaking them for amount of time spent playing. They should have set up a PS3 achievement just for me and the amount of time I’d spend playing on a Saturday. I wouldn’t get out of bed until the afternoon, late in the afternoon at that. I was PROUD of this. I am  no longer proud of it. I’m intensely saddened that I honestly did that.

Maybe I don’t fix it, maybe I do. Only time will tell. Right now it’s a blessing in disguise as the job hunt has increased 10 fold because a majority of the time I spent playing video games (3-10 hours a day, maybe more) I spend writing cover letters. BTW, COVER LETTERS ARE THE DEVIL. The really are. An example of a cover letter is next to the word “Devil” in the dictionary. Seriously, who invented cover letters? Who? I know the topic of my next post: Cover letters and how I want to kick the person who invented them squarely in the chest. Twice.

Logic aka I am so fly and on fire like a Phoenix wing(Childish Gambino, get behind it)

The first part of today’s RAL: Two questions I do NOT want you to ask me. Ever.

  • “How was your break/vacation?” Riddle me this: If you were someone who I cared to tell about my break or vacation, would you have to ask? Answer to said riddle: No, no you would not. This question is only surpassed by…
  • “How was your weekend?” I could have had the sh*ttiest, crappiest, most miserable weekend for any human being ever…and I’ll still reply “Great”. Why? Because for two whole days I didn’t have to worry about you asking me how my (insert activity here) was. I hate people.
  • “How’s it going?” What is this mythical “it” that people refer to? Does it fall under the same category as the legendary “merger”? Or perhaps fall under the same umbrella as Dana White’s whimsical “mix”? (Hot Dogs knows what I’m talking about) Whatever “it” is, don’t ask me about it.
  • “There he issssssss” This one isn’t a question. This is obvious because there is no question mark. However, this is still something I do not want you to say to me. There is no way you get THAT excited to see me when I walk in the office. “Hi Logic” would be perfectly OK. As long as it isn’t followed by “How’s it going?”.

Now, I realize that a lot of people ask these questions to be polite. Fine, I get it. But to me, these questions aren’t polite, they’re fake. You don’t care about the answer any more than I want to tell you the answer. Those questions are nothing but a waste of time, and my time is worth precisely $1,538,329. So unless your boring arse question comes with a check, please do not ask it. And onto part two:

  • Dear ESPN, stop trying to tell me that I care about UConn Women’s Basketball losing. I don’t care. In fact, I’m hard pressed to think of 5 things I care about less than them losing.
  • I’m incredibly happy that Butler lost. Back during college football season when Boise State lost, I was ecstatic. You would have thought I was a fan of both Oregon and Auburn with the way I was rooting for them to stay undefeated and keep TCU out of the Nat’l Championship game. Why? I don’t like the little guy. Go ahead, burn me at the stake. I said it. I don’t want to see a “mid major” or a non automatic qualifier win the National Championship. Every time one of these schools get robbed, I smile inside.
  • Unfortunately, I’m still in Cleveland. I’m hoping to make my escape this summer. A few weeks ago Lebron came back to Cleveland for the 2nd time. I almost went to the game. When asked why I wanted to go by my friend, my response was “I wanted to see the pain in all of Cleveland fans eyes as Lebron dropped it off in they drawls”. I was wrong, the Cavs won. I hope they can get over the fact that he’s gone now. When I gave my buddy that answer, he told me I’m going to hell. I responded “No I’m not, because I’d be the happiest person there because everyone would be miserable around me so that wouldn’t be a punishment.” Logic.
  • Why do people still pay M. Night Shyamalan to make movies?
  • Why do people still pay to see M. Night Shyamalan movies? That includes me. I went to see The Last Airbender (No Skinny Jeans) last summer or whenever it was that it came out. Now I’ve made some dumb purchases in my life, but I would have been better served buying used gasoline than paying to see that movie. Once again, I offer up my services:

Dear Major Movie Studio Executives,

I have recently heard that you hired M. Night Shyamalan to direct a new movie for you. If you haven’t noticed, his movies have not been uber profitable or wildly popular. Hiring M. Night is like drafting Ryan Leaf to be your quarterback, you don’t really care about the outcome and possibly expect to fail. If this is the case, I can help you out. I will direct and help write this movie instead of M. Knight and I’ll do it for ¼ of the price. You can use the rest of that money on call girls, strippers, and drugs like a BCS bowl executive. I will be anxiously waiting for your response.

Regards

Logic aka Put my team on the map, Blake Griffin on the court(Props to Childish Gambino for the Lyrics)

What’s really hood?

Every once and a while ATI will coin a new phrase, saying, or term that we just NEED to share with the rest of the world.  This is one of those times.  While discussing T.I.’s most recent arrest via email banter,  Confusion dropped some knowledge on us.

“T.I. suffers from Post Traumatic Og’nancy Disorder, PTOD. Defined as whenever one is set to make the right decision they are hit with a sudden rush of og’nancy, usually developed from being raised in a hood environment, that in turn forces them to make og’nant decisions.  Remedies: well there is no cure for this affliction but it can be treated by staying away from bad influences and products generally associated with the hood: purple drank, red drank, all colored dranks, the Vicks, firearms, ketchup and bread sandwiches, Pacman Jones, and Spam.  Famous people who have been diagnosed with PTOD = OJ, Shawn Kemp, Antonio Cromartie, Chris Brown, Ryan Leaf, etc…”

Wow, even Ryan Leaf suffers from PTOD.  Let us know who else in sporting, music, television, or movie worlds suffer from PTOD in the comment section.

-Hotdogs Anderson

Sometimes you just feel like you are getting twurked throughout the day.  It could be your boss, a friend, an enemy, passion.  Whoever it is, sometimes you just gotta unleash some fury.

The chest kick is such a vicious form of accostment.  I know we at ATI have been partial to the powder slap, but a debate has surfaced lately in our high council that has brought some interesting information to the table. This banter was initiated thanks to the athletic ignance that Nigel De Jong gave us in the world cup. See Below:

An important question came out of the tear evoking, nonsensical banter. Is a kick to the chest the most disrespectful way to accost someone??  I don’t know, but damn I would hate to get just kicked in the chest.  NOBODY would enjoy that. Even in a martial arts competition, where kicks to the chest are the norm, the recipient still has to get up(maybe) wondering how the hell that could happen to him.  It would be a win for you to just get up and not writhe in the ground suffering in your pain and recent demotion to B***h status.

OHHHH HOO....OOOOHHH

If you catch a good one in the chest these feelings of pain and inadequacy can be coupled with humiliation after people hear the pitiful and desperate sounds you make while trying to find any air in your lungs. Kinda sounds like a middle aged lady falling on her chest from 6 feet in the air. Please skip to :15 for an example of this sound.

Now getting to the actual debate itself between the chest kick and open hand slap(this is all man v man combat, if you are getting accosted by a female period you need to excuse yourself from reading this post)…I’ll give you some insights the fellas were able to come up with.

Getting kicked/punched in the chest is on par with getting open hand slapped in the face. The sudden lost of breath is demoralizing.

Idk dude, open hand slap is sooo direspectful (especially man to man), while punch in the chest is more like “soning” someone

I think an open had slap is more decadent. Getting kicked in the chest is a sign of disrespect for the fact that you would even try that move. Unless you are in the profession of the martial arts you shouldn’t be kicking someone in the chest.

Making contact would require ninja like quickness coupled with very slow reflexes by the person getting kicked. I mean how slow do you have to be to not react to a another man coiling up his leg and kicking you square in the chest?

Other considered forms of accostment included spitting in the face, headlocking, or the leg sweep/trip. Going back to the quote about the reaction time and the coiling of the leg is something that can’t be overlooked. You’ve got to be some kind of unresponsive, unathletic fool to just straight up wait there while your foe arches his chest backwards, hinges his leg back via the knee joint, and then proceeds to strike your sternum with their size whatever. Getting kicked in the shoulder or the hip is so much easier to come back from. LG…you just can’t let those types of things happen. I mean, that’s why whenever you created players in video games you needed to have a 93+ awareness level.

At the same time, you can’t be getting slapped in the face either. While slapping may warrant immediate retaliation, the shock of getting slapped by another man may simply lead you to step up to him and ponder why you are inferior…without even getting physical back at him(NHND). Just ask Eddie House.

Damn…aw well, the debate continues. Leave a response or hit us up on twitter @allthingsignant and weigh on the the debate.

-Grits and Gravy

Passion truly knows NO bounds. If it isn’t this, it’s that. If it isn’t that, it’s this. Just a little bit of relief, that’s all I’m asking for passion, that’s all. With that, here’s some Logic for ya drawls.  Below are some thoughts on NBA Free Agency

  • Dear Cleveland Economy, you’re F’d. Sincerely, Lebron James. Let’s break down the NBA Free Agency so far and you tell me if my Logic is on point or not. Though as always, if you don’t think it’s on point its simply because your ilLogical.
  • First things first, Joe Johnson gets ABSURDLY overpaid by the Hawks. Honestly, who are the people who make decisions like this? Let me make stupid ass decisions and I’ll do it for less than half of what you’re paying these guys now. This was the first domino because it narrows the options for the Knicks, Nets, Bulls, etc. Then Rudy Gay stays with the Grizzlies, again narrowing down options. Then the first big domino falls:
  • Amare Stoudemire signs with the Knicks. Is he a max guy? Not if you ask me. But the Knicks had to do something, because they currently have nothing. We’ll come back to this, I think it may prove to be important.
  • D Wade and Lebron both drop hints that they want to stay where they are, but want their teams to show improvement. Both teams try getting better, but both having trouble. Toronto says they would do a sign and trade with Cleveland, Bosh says F Cleveland. Wade beats Lebron in the race for Chris Bosh, Bosh is reportedly heading to Miami with Wade.
  • 15 minutes after Bosh says he’s going to Miami, Lebron says he’s holding a press conference Thursday night to announce his decision. All proceeds from advertisements of the hour long show going to the Boys and Girls Club, props to LBJ for that.
  • Now I clearly left some things out from the free agency period, but included the important parts for my argument that Lebron will be a New York Knick. If you asked me this question exactly 24 hours ago, I would have laughed at the Knicks as an option.
  • Reasoning: He was trying to get Bosh to Cleveland and it wasn’t until AFTER Bosh decided he wasn’t coming to Cleveland. Why wait to say your staying in Cleveland until after Bosh denies you and CTown? Lebron strikes me as pretty Logical, or at least the people around him are. So logically you have Plan A) Bosh comes to CTown and plan B) ?. Plan B to me, HAS to be leave Cleveland, because as I said you don’t wait to say your staying.  So go to play for a first time coach with Derrick Rose? Or go play under Mike D’antoni and with Amare Stoudemire? Yup, I gotta say New York is looking pretty good.
  • If i was to handicap, I’d say 55% NY, 25% CTown, 20% Chitown. Why am I following this so much? This directly affects my life. If LBJ leaves, a black hole will form around the Quicken Loans Arena and Cleveland will collapse into itself.
  • Interesting side note, I know nothing and could be 100% wrong. I HOPE he stays in CTown, but right now it’s just not looking all that promising.
  • My one bit of non NBA related RAL, Cristiano Ronaldo used a surrogate mom. Pause. Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo used a surrogate mom. Or did he just knock a chick up, pay her millions of dollars to stay quiet and to get sole custody? I think part two sounds a little more accurate…

Grits and Gravy comin’ at you on this Thursday afternoon reminding you, per the title, that there is certainly more than 1 way to get that elusive parlay(there is also more than one way to eat a reeses, chocolate and peanut butter is a deadly combo). With that in mind, I want to give everybody my state of the parlay address:

Gentlemen, I say gentlemen because I choose not to address you silky smooth skin, temptress of the flesh, seductive eyed, smellin better than new car smell, supple breasted, tight vested, PCSTin’ arse females…I begin this address with one question; You gonna get sitched up this weekend? It’s already Thursday, and if you are any type of foe of Passion then you have been engaging in whooty stalking banter and digital goonery regarding this upcoming holiday weekend.  Allow me to discuss a few points that will surely garner you several female associates over the weekend.

  1. Never Sell Yourself Short. Sitches come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and locations.  It is not up to you to decide whether or not you will be received with open arms and legs…so you must never let one go by that you are even remotely interested it.  Mindset is key, it starts when you get up and drop your morning heat.  Each plop has to stink of confidence.  If you think a sitch is unattainable, it is.  “But Grits… how do I approach an said ‘unattainable’ sitch??” said the poor sitchless man.  Well sir…let’s go to number two…
  2. Booshk to Tazement. Find a comfortable to mildly uncomfortable level of taze. This can usually be accomplished by having casuals with goons, then proceeding to get well tazed via several forms of consumption.  Your elevated BAC and liquid confidence will keep you loose, have you ready to handle the things you want to handle, and have you oblivious to everything else.  Getting tazed via booshkining with goons allows you to accomplish #3 quite easily.
  3. Utilize Nonsense and Goonery Whenever Possible. A strong stanky leg is a solid approach(or Stanly Leg if your attire doesn’t allow for full range of motion, not sure why this would happen unless you prefer decadent dress).  Roll up on the prospective sitch(hopefully 313 or above),  and break them off with that ‘ignant dance we know so well.  If she laughs, keep stankin’.  If she cries, keep stankin’.  If she walks away, rip a shot and keep stankin’.  But if she stays, it is an indication that she not only comprehends your nonsense; but she accepts it.  You need to be careful from this point on.  By all means PTS(parlay the smash)…but realize that if she gets TOO engrossed in the nonsense, she will contract several mental and psychological illnesses.  If you want to go with a more suave approach that actually require you to spit some real G, then skip to number 5.
  4. Notify goons of Locked Sitch. Now unless you want to pull a Hotdogs and ninja quietly into the night, you are going to want to gloat your spoils around to your goons.  Some would consider this tasteless, but it is actually a challenge for your fellow goons to make a parlay, thus completing everyone else’s evening.  Proceed to rip shots and consume adult beverages with goons and locked sitch until very well tazed.
  5. Play the cards you were dealt. This is very simple.  Beef yourself up. Play your educated card, play your grown man card, play your job card, play your athlete card, play your superior strength/ability to throw weights around a gym card, play your own place card, play your goon card(witty banter,ignant preferences/stories), play your weight card, play your weight loss card(if applicable).
  6. Play the cards you weren’t dealt. ABP right? That doesn’t mean you can’t blatantly lie and fabricate stories stretch the truth a bit.  Play the better job card, play the african missionary status(inform her of the various missionary positions you held around the world..baahaa), play the fake friendships/associations card, use your boy’s information if it relates to a place she’s been or lived, tell her you were tested last week, give her an area code rating of 717 or better, tell her you have twinkies back at the crib.  Women lie Men lie..but at the end of the evening we are all tryin’ to get sitched up.

So as we get this holiday weekend kicked off.  Don’t reflect on the fact that our independence sprung from the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s sista lovin arse didn’t want to pay his taxes…sh*t, The women were most likely the ones who told their husbands to fight King George and the Brits. George Washington would have been cool payin’ taxes on tea as long as he could sit down each night with some bread and a pint of ale….But G.W. knew that if Martha had to pay any more taxes on her precious tea then he wansn’t gonna be beaten them colonial cakes.  It all comes back to the parlay. So…get your goons together, lock the proper activities, and don’t forget to groom yourself…

Good luck ATIliens, and happy 4th!

Grits and Gravy