Posts Tagged ‘get in there’

Let me see you do the booty hop
and now make the booty STOP
Now drop and do the booty wop

Yep, that is an exercise.  All you men out there with sitches, girlfriends, significant others, side pieces, or wives, please go find this full exercise video and give it as a gift.  All you single ladies out there, please go find this full exercise video and purchase it for yourselves.  Maybe it’ll help you get a man…

(Unless you look like this)

-Hotdogs Anderson

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Grits and Gravy sure did. OHHHHH from the top rung!

-I’GNANT maneuvers

Grits and Gravy comin’ at you on this Thursday afternoon reminding you, per the title, that there is certainly more than 1 way to get that elusive parlay(there is also more than one way to eat a reeses, chocolate and peanut butter is a deadly combo). With that in mind, I want to give everybody my state of the parlay address:

Gentlemen, I say gentlemen because I choose not to address you silky smooth skin, temptress of the flesh, seductive eyed, smellin better than new car smell, supple breasted, tight vested, PCSTin’ arse females…I begin this address with one question; You gonna get sitched up this weekend? It’s already Thursday, and if you are any type of foe of Passion then you have been engaging in whooty stalking banter and digital goonery regarding this upcoming holiday weekend.  Allow me to discuss a few points that will surely garner you several female associates over the weekend.

  1. Never Sell Yourself Short. Sitches come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and locations.  It is not up to you to decide whether or not you will be received with open arms and legs…so you must never let one go by that you are even remotely interested it.  Mindset is key, it starts when you get up and drop your morning heat.  Each plop has to stink of confidence.  If you think a sitch is unattainable, it is.  “But Grits… how do I approach an said ‘unattainable’ sitch??” said the poor sitchless man.  Well sir…let’s go to number two…
  2. Booshk to Tazement. Find a comfortable to mildly uncomfortable level of taze. This can usually be accomplished by having casuals with goons, then proceeding to get well tazed via several forms of consumption.  Your elevated BAC and liquid confidence will keep you loose, have you ready to handle the things you want to handle, and have you oblivious to everything else.  Getting tazed via booshkining with goons allows you to accomplish #3 quite easily.
  3. Utilize Nonsense and Goonery Whenever Possible. A strong stanky leg is a solid approach(or Stanly Leg if your attire doesn’t allow for full range of motion, not sure why this would happen unless you prefer decadent dress).  Roll up on the prospective sitch(hopefully 313 or above),  and break them off with that ‘ignant dance we know so well.  If she laughs, keep stankin’.  If she cries, keep stankin’.  If she walks away, rip a shot and keep stankin’.  But if she stays, it is an indication that she not only comprehends your nonsense; but she accepts it.  You need to be careful from this point on.  By all means PTS(parlay the smash)…but realize that if she gets TOO engrossed in the nonsense, she will contract several mental and psychological illnesses.  If you want to go with a more suave approach that actually require you to spit some real G, then skip to number 5.
  4. Notify goons of Locked Sitch. Now unless you want to pull a Hotdogs and ninja quietly into the night, you are going to want to gloat your spoils around to your goons.  Some would consider this tasteless, but it is actually a challenge for your fellow goons to make a parlay, thus completing everyone else’s evening.  Proceed to rip shots and consume adult beverages with goons and locked sitch until very well tazed.
  5. Play the cards you were dealt. This is very simple.  Beef yourself up. Play your educated card, play your grown man card, play your job card, play your athlete card, play your superior strength/ability to throw weights around a gym card, play your own place card, play your goon card(witty banter,ignant preferences/stories), play your weight card, play your weight loss card(if applicable).
  6. Play the cards you weren’t dealt. ABP right? That doesn’t mean you can’t blatantly lie and fabricate stories stretch the truth a bit.  Play the better job card, play the african missionary status(inform her of the various missionary positions you held around the world..baahaa), play the fake friendships/associations card, use your boy’s information if it relates to a place she’s been or lived, tell her you were tested last week, give her an area code rating of 717 or better, tell her you have twinkies back at the crib.  Women lie Men lie..but at the end of the evening we are all tryin’ to get sitched up.

So as we get this holiday weekend kicked off.  Don’t reflect on the fact that our independence sprung from the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s sista lovin arse didn’t want to pay his taxes…sh*t, The women were most likely the ones who told their husbands to fight King George and the Brits. George Washington would have been cool payin’ taxes on tea as long as he could sit down each night with some bread and a pint of ale….But G.W. knew that if Martha had to pay any more taxes on her precious tea then he wansn’t gonna be beaten them colonial cakes.  It all comes back to the parlay. So…get your goons together, lock the proper activities, and don’t forget to groom yourself…

Good luck ATIliens, and happy 4th!

Grits and Gravy

Darkne$$ is about to bless ATI with another weekly staple to go along with P Droppa Friday and ACOTW (yes we know we sometimes slack on ACOTW but we blessed you everyday last week so buck our salls).   MTK stands for Marry, Tap, or Kill. I’m sure all of you have played this game before but for all you Simple Jacks out there I will elaborate.  The rules are simple…someone throws out 3 names and you have to choose to marry, cuff, or kill each one.  But you can only conduct one act on one person.  If you don’t get it by now you are on the wrong blog ya dig.

Up first is the fine sexy ladies of former super group:

Destiny’s Child

I picked DC because who better to start off with than a group of ladies who are all beautiful and talented in their own way.   Sometimes Beyonce fits all three categories but as the rules state she can only be one.   So let’s start with Mrs. Hov….Beyonce.

TAP

Now like I said before sometime I want to marry Beyonce and sometime I want to kill her.   But this time around I want to just tap that arse!  Why you ask?  Because she is currently married to the multi-millionaire known as Jay-Z.  I’m hoping that in order to keep me quiet about be beating her cakes in the House of Dereon that she pays me a large sum of money to keep me quiet only for me to leak the story to TMZ anyway!  BIG PIMPIN SPENDING CHEESE!!!!  Not to mention I’d like to think that while B is a minx in the sheets she probably doesn’t have time to pop on a P Droppa and take care of bizness.  Also she’s probably realllllllly extra in bed like she is in real life.  She will probably be warming up her voice and endorsing products while it’s going down.  Can’t have that.  So I’d just like to sweat out her weave and be gone!

Up next is Kelly Rowland

Marry

I’ve always said that she is very underrated and under-appreciated  because of Beyonce.   Kelly is equally as beautiful as B they just are different types of beautiful.  Kelly still got money.   She’s getting Destiny’s child money and she has a decent single every now and then.   Not to mention she has an acting career also.  The difference between her and B is that she is not a mega star that doesn’t have time for ya boy Darkne$$.  I feel like she can go out and do a book signing, photo shoot, and read a script all before coming home and frying up some chicken.  After a nice sesh she’s headlining at the House of Blues.  My kind of woman.  All I gotta do is look  fly and flashy for the cameras and spend that dough. Call me Mr. Darkne$$ Rowland.  LOVE TO!

Lastly we have Michelle

KILL

While she is would be considered the least hot of the group she is still well smashable.   So why does poor Michelle have to die?  Well for starters she ain’t getting that  real Destiny’s Child money.  As you recall she came into the picture late after those other two broads were kicked out for getting too greedy.   So when she got there Kelly and B made sure their ish was locked up for life and threw Michelle the crumbs.  Secondly,  while many know of her, she is not a household name and your boy Darkne$$ only rocks name brand ya dig.    Can’t be braggin about dating the other DC member.  Lastly, she’s too quiet.  She never really spoke when  they would get an award or something.  Always in the background.   That means one of three things, she’s a a closet freak, she’s a really nice girl, or she is psycho!  Don’t really got the time to find out so… OFF WITH HER HEAD!

On the real…all of them are sexy and fine but someone has to die.   I’ll let them wrap things up with a lil lap dancing at the BET Awards.

GOOD LAWD LOOK AT TERRANCE HOWARD’S FACE GUFFFFFFAAAWWWWING

Darkne$$ aka John D. Chocofeller

After slackin’ on our pimpin’ and some extensive email banter, ATI has decided to make the week of June 14th, 2010 “Area Code of the Week” Week.

Is she a 919?

Each day this week you’ll get a new Area Code of the Week to spark your work, school, internship, or unemployment banter.   So get ready for some 919s, 616s, 415s, and even maybe a 302.

-Ya Guys at ATI

Hopefully you know this by now, but Alicia Keys “stole” away Mashonda’s man, Swizz Beatz.  Mashonda got a little upset and wrote an open letter to Alicia.  Looks like we might have a sequel with new co-stars.  Apparently Gabby Union’s sexy a$$ was the reason Dwayne Wade and his wife are getting divorced.  Let’s just take a quick peek at Gabby:

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN JAMES… We are not done looking at her yet though:

Yeah, she’s nice, REAL nice.  But looking at these pics of her has gotten me off topic.  Instead of a letter like Mashonda, DWade’s wife, Siovaughn, is suing Gabby for basically breaking up their marriage.  But that’s just the beginning.  Apparently, the two were getting a little too hot and heavy in front of the kids:

It alleges Union “engaged in sexual foreplay” in front of the boys, which “severely inflicted the Plaintiffs emotionally and mentally.” It also claims that the boys received “medium size gifts” from Dwyane Wade for Christmas last year, while Union got “the biggest gift of all.”

Ooohhh jealousy.  I think we know what the “biggest gift of all” means (NHND).  She wants $50,000 in damages too.  WHAT?!?  I mean come on Siovaughn, in the society we are in now, you ONLY want $50,000???  SHE STOLE YOUR MAN AND WAS PUTTING IN WORK IN FRONT YO’ KIDS!!! OK, that’s enough defense of the former Mrs. Wade.

Now let’s look at this from the man’s (Dwade’s) perspective.  You are going from this:

How old are you?

To this:

Taste it

I think all of us at ATI can see Dwade’s thopro (thought process…get behind it) on this one.  By the way, anyone think that Gabby and Alicia are pretty good friends?

-Hotdogs Anderson

Was hannenin ATI?? Grits and Gravy coming back for the first time of 2010…and I wanted to address something that I know we have all been a victim of, gettin a drink at the damn bar. So you and your peoples are going out, hopefully already tazed, and generically excited about the night’s hamboozlery. Hopefully a scene not dissimilar from this one.

So after you come down from you initial high of realizing the overall potential of gooning out and and parlaying sitches at the bar…you realize you need to get your arse to the bar to elevate your state of taze to a more aggressive level. Here’s where the battle begins.

Regardless of what anyone tells you, or what you read in a book (why would you read books about this?), there is no right way to go about getting a drink at a crowded bar. I mean do you be polite and wait for someone to vacate a coveted bar spot that could be used to parlay refreshments? I don’t think so…because you know people are just jerks and will selfishly post up at their bar spot for god knows how long. It’s a dog eat dog type of atmosphere at the bars these days, you either hunt or you don’t get fed..that goes for drinks, females, and desireable areas to post up. One important thing to remember is to realize what your priorities are. If you get distracted by a potential sitch while jockeying for drink ordering position, you must decide which is more important…the drink or the sitch. If your priority is maximum tazement, then stay the course and keep tryin’ to get all up in that bar area. Much like droppin some heat, realize that you are there to do a job…and that job has got to be done. If the possible sitch is above a 515 and your ability to get that Papelbon style close is high…then by all means, PARLAY THE SMASH. Keep in mind, parlaying that smash may mean getting back in the same war to get drinks for you AND your girl…like I said, dog eat dog atmosphere.

Now, once you finally get to the bar in a position to order a drink, you gotta get the bartender’s attention. Now your people might be like..”Yo, flash that cash so she knows you mean business” while other may be like “Naw, flash that plastic cuz she’ll think you wanna open a tab.” AAANNTH, there is no right way to “flash” anything unless you are gonna get on the bar and flash your Louisiana Pine to get her attention. Now I’m open for anything you all may have in regards to gettin served quickly…but in my experience it is purely chance. If you click eyes with the bartender at the right time and give her the look like “yea, i’m ready, lets make this happen” with maybe the slightest of a pointer finger raise to let her know you aren’t just hitting on her…you should be alright. Patience is key, and never switch spots with your boy behind you cuz he swears “you don’t know how to do it.” That ish is the worst.

Now once you make your order, I figure you can handle the transaction a couple different ways. If you are one and done, grab your drinks and leave a minimal tip for homegirl cuz hey…you have stabs to hit and LNRB to eat. If you plan on coming back for more drinks, give a good tip and maybe introduce yourself…couldn’t hurt right? Rarely does this semi-intimate relationship with the bartender ever evolve into a sitch…we at ATI would call this case “the jackpot” but if nothing else she has a name to connect with the face. But don’t immediately ask the poor girl what you have to do to be her man…Hotdogs…even if she does look like this.

Or this:

Goodness…lemme get a Corona please. With dude bartenders, maybe find someway to say “hey man, i’m trying to go to the looney bin tonight, help me out and i’ll help you out.” Shoot, in this case he may even hook you up with some Samuel Jackson! MMMM MMM

Listen ya’ll, I’m no authority, I’m just taking a page out of Logic’s book and trying to be real about the entire dilemma of getting drinks at a crowded bar. Hit up the facebook page or leave a comment if anyone has any proven techniques for young Grits.

Cheers

Grits and “I’ll always parlay bottle service regardless of scrill passion” Gravy