Posts Tagged ‘Heat’





DISCLAIMER: Prepare yourself for a very wild rant on a touchy subject:  Dropping Heat in the Office Bathroom.

Yes, we know everyone does it.  Everyone has to drop heat at work.  Even you women.

It’s a normal occurrence.  Most of the time you drop twos at work because of your normal doodoo schedule.  Other times you’ve been hit with that IBS (not, Irritable Bowel Syndrome but the dreaded Immediate Bowl Sprayage).  IBS can be attributed to many things: spicy food from the night before, Indian food buffet at lunch, draft beer from the night before.  Actually any booze consumption from the night before; if you drank heavily the night before and you get into work at 8:30, you will be spraying bowl by 8:50, trust me.

But here’s my deal, why is it that in the office bathroom some people act like they are droppin’ twos at home?  I’m real secretive about my bathroom escapades at work (see the ninja to the left).  I try to time up my heat droppage to when I think no one is in the bathroom.  If I have to go around at time when I know people are there, I go up to a different floor and destroy some other company’s porcelain sanctuary.   I do the same if I know that its going one of those bad ones; you know the ones that make you flush 2 to 3 times due to “streakage” or left over turd nuggets on said bowl or the ones that smell so bad you think your insides are actually rotting.  But sometimes you have to do it when others are also in the bathroom, either taking a Wiz Khalifa, or droppin’ heat as well.  That’s when you should be practicing good office bathroom etiquette, ex. courtesy flushes, rapid fire release, and other things to help you keep it under 15 minutes as Cleotus said.

However, some people in the office decide to be the opposite of courteous.  They decide to be what I like to call Callous, Obnoxious Bowl Sprayers a.k.a. COBS.  COBS drop twos like they are at home, making it as loud and as smelly as they can.  Their farts sound as if they’ve been holding them 3.5 years, and they reverberate off the porcelain, stall walls and doors, and floor to hit your ears like a right hook from Tyson back in ’88.

If COBS’ ish is of the solid variety, the sound of their turds hitting the water sounds as if they are suspended 10-20 feet above the toilet and are dropping twos like a B52 drops bombs.  I’d be surprised if they bring an actual towel to the bathroom to dry off their cheeks from the water splashing back up.  If its of the liquid variety, get out as fast as you can.  If you can’t then the sounds you hear next can leave you scarred for life.  Imagine a jackhammer going to work on an old sidewalk.  Then mix what I like to call the “Machine Gun Funk,”  tommy gun sounding farts.  Add in some of the most foul smelling things you can think of, like old hot dog water getting re-boiled with cheetos, used baby diapers, pigs feet, a can of pork and beans, uncleaned chitlins, pork rinds, and a dead skunk carcass.  That’s what you get when these COBS drop liquid twos.

And it always seems to be some old CCA Managing Director.  He’s probably in there reading the whole Money and Investing section of WSJ, checking his Blackberry for emails about his CCA kids’ soccer practices, all while day dreaming about his seeing mistress at some Super 8 Motel.  How about this: get some Metamucil to increase your fiber intake and get your bowels regular, limit yourself to 15 minutes, mix in several courtesy flushes, stop cheating on your wife, and tell your kids to play football.

-Hotdogs Anderson