Posts Tagged ‘State of the Parlay’

Grits and Gravy comin’ at you on this Thursday afternoon reminding you, per the title, that there is certainly more than 1 way to get that elusive parlay(there is also more than one way to eat a reeses, chocolate and peanut butter is a deadly combo). With that in mind, I want to give everybody my state of the parlay address:

Gentlemen, I say gentlemen because I choose not to address you silky smooth skin, temptress of the flesh, seductive eyed, smellin better than new car smell, supple breasted, tight vested, PCSTin’ arse females…I begin this address with one question; You gonna get sitched up this weekend? It’s already Thursday, and if you are any type of foe of Passion then you have been engaging in whooty stalking banter and digital goonery regarding this upcoming holiday weekend.  Allow me to discuss a few points that will surely garner you several female associates over the weekend.

  1. Never Sell Yourself Short. Sitches come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and locations.  It is not up to you to decide whether or not you will be received with open arms and legs…so you must never let one go by that you are even remotely interested it.  Mindset is key, it starts when you get up and drop your morning heat.  Each plop has to stink of confidence.  If you think a sitch is unattainable, it is.  “But Grits… how do I approach an said ‘unattainable’ sitch??” said the poor sitchless man.  Well sir…let’s go to number two…
  2. Booshk to Tazement. Find a comfortable to mildly uncomfortable level of taze. This can usually be accomplished by having casuals with goons, then proceeding to get well tazed via several forms of consumption.  Your elevated BAC and liquid confidence will keep you loose, have you ready to handle the things you want to handle, and have you oblivious to everything else.  Getting tazed via booshkining with goons allows you to accomplish #3 quite easily.
  3. Utilize Nonsense and Goonery Whenever Possible. A strong stanky leg is a solid approach(or Stanly Leg if your attire doesn’t allow for full range of motion, not sure why this would happen unless you prefer decadent dress).  Roll up on the prospective sitch(hopefully 313 or above),  and break them off with that ‘ignant dance we know so well.  If she laughs, keep stankin’.  If she cries, keep stankin’.  If she walks away, rip a shot and keep stankin’.  But if she stays, it is an indication that she not only comprehends your nonsense; but she accepts it.  You need to be careful from this point on.  By all means PTS(parlay the smash)…but realize that if she gets TOO engrossed in the nonsense, she will contract several mental and psychological illnesses.  If you want to go with a more suave approach that actually require you to spit some real G, then skip to number 5.
  4. Notify goons of Locked Sitch. Now unless you want to pull a Hotdogs and ninja quietly into the night, you are going to want to gloat your spoils around to your goons.  Some would consider this tasteless, but it is actually a challenge for your fellow goons to make a parlay, thus completing everyone else’s evening.  Proceed to rip shots and consume adult beverages with goons and locked sitch until very well tazed.
  5. Play the cards you were dealt. This is very simple.  Beef yourself up. Play your educated card, play your grown man card, play your job card, play your athlete card, play your superior strength/ability to throw weights around a gym card, play your own place card, play your goon card(witty banter,ignant preferences/stories), play your weight card, play your weight loss card(if applicable).
  6. Play the cards you weren’t dealt. ABP right? That doesn’t mean you can’t blatantly lie and fabricate stories stretch the truth a bit.  Play the better job card, play the african missionary status(inform her of the various missionary positions you held around the world..baahaa), play the fake friendships/associations card, use your boy’s information if it relates to a place she’s been or lived, tell her you were tested last week, give her an area code rating of 717 or better, tell her you have twinkies back at the crib.  Women lie Men lie..but at the end of the evening we are all tryin’ to get sitched up.

So as we get this holiday weekend kicked off.  Don’t reflect on the fact that our independence sprung from the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s sista lovin arse didn’t want to pay his taxes…sh*t, The women were most likely the ones who told their husbands to fight King George and the Brits. George Washington would have been cool payin’ taxes on tea as long as he could sit down each night with some bread and a pint of ale….But G.W. knew that if Martha had to pay any more taxes on her precious tea then he wansn’t gonna be beaten them colonial cakes.  It all comes back to the parlay. So…get your goons together, lock the proper activities, and don’t forget to groom yourself…

Good luck ATIliens, and happy 4th!

Grits and Gravy